Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Ghost of Steve Jobs introduces plans for better new iPhone to group of investors in Steampunk Corridor

By Sean Punkt
Staff Steampunk Writer

SHADOW CITY -- The ghost of Steve Jobs, pissed that the new iPhone in the human world appears to be a piece of crap, introduced plans for what he’s calling a better new iPhone to a group of investors in the Steampunk Corridor.

The smartphone, according to plans, will be steam-powered, and will include apps that trigger copper mechanics that unfold out of the device and give users the ability to use their phones as a crossbow, an automaton or an espresso maker, among other things.

“The proposed devices are heavy and a little noisy,” Jobs said as his apparition floated above the presentation stage, “but it’s a lot more handy than a device filled with just photo-editing tools, jewel games and a wall-to-wall screen with no home button whatsoever.”

The phone doesn’t come with a charging port because it doesn’t need to be charged. Simply refill it with water at your nearest pumping station in your home, and that’s it, your steam-powered device is ready to go again.

This iPhone, like the one in the human world, also has no headphone jack. That’s because the only music you’ll want to hear is the stuff being pumped through the loudspeakers all over, which Jobs is trying to install pretty much everywhere.

Other features include gauges to measure stuff (even stuff you don’t need to gauge), spinning wheels and gadgetry that may or may not have a purpose, and a time travel setting.

“Show me any phone in the human world that does that,” Jobs’ ghost said.

Several Steampunk Corridor investors seemed to be interested in Jobs’ plan. Others were too caught up with the photo-editing apps and jewel games on the human version of the iPhone that Jobs brought along to compare with his, dumbfounded by how it’s powered without steam, and captivated by its no-copper, no-rivets, no-spinning-wheels sleekness.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Paper cut leads to zombie invasion

By Brian S. Argood
Staff Brains Writer

SHADOW CITY -- A mutant, who was enjoying impersonations by The Thing last night at the Thing-A-Ding Ding Piano Bar on the Sun-Never-Rises Strip, cut his finger on a death notice he received from a young zombie at the bar, and his luck only got worse as the night unfolded.

He put a napkin on the cut to soak up the blood, and all seemed well.

“But then I had to go to the mutant bathroom,” the mutant said, “so I got up and walked to the restroom for mutants, and of all things I could bump, I bumped my mutant finger on the piano and opened the cut right back up.”

Then, a little later, he was tying his mutant shoe, and his mutant hand slipped and caught the paper cut on that little plastic end piece of his mutant lace, and he cut the paper cut wider.

Then he caught the wound on a table, on a doorway and on a few walls, and later he split it open even wider and longer when he’d forgotten about it and decided to lift a box of mutant supplies into a mutant truck for another mutant doing mutant-type things.

“I’ve never bumped that finger in my whole mutant life,” the mutant said. “And all of a sudden I’m bumping it, scraping it and ripping it open at every mutant turn.”

Meanwhile, according to sources, the mutant was leaving a tasty trail of fresh, potent mutant blood behind him wherever he went.

“When the hordes of zombies finally found him, there was enough blood on the ground to use as ketchup for his brains,” said Shadow City Det. Al Waysmonday, who had heard of a growing horde earlier in the evening.

Waysmonday was on his way to the Press Club on Hard Luck Lane for a beverage or two (or three or four or five) when he got the call about zombies gathering. He was put on a case last month to watch for zombies plotting to take over city government, which, according to Waysmonday, was kinda ridiculous because zombies have no brains, other than the ones they’re eating, so he was ready to jump into action.

“First I needed a drink,” Waysmonday said. “That’s when I saw the zombies grouping up and heading in one direction. “All of a sudden it all seemed very likely that they could take over the city. In a matter of weeks, I knew this place could be a ghost town. Now, I’m all for ghost towns and mass mutilation and whatnot, but all in moderation. These zombies are gluttons and just never stop. So I had to stop them. But first I had to stop and get another drink.”

Next, Waysmonday called for backup, and by 2 a.m. this morning, he and the force had taken down the whole army with more “head shots” than the studios get in a month.

“In the end,” Waysmonday said, “we learned that the zombies had no intention of taking over the city. I guess they know their place after all. They were merely on a scent of blood from that mutant’s paper cut and wanted, you know, brains. Well, they got them. And I got them. Another case closed and another beverage at the Press Club for me.”

With that additional beverage for Waysmonday came a death notice from a young zombie at the bar, and with the opening of that paper notice came a paper cut, and with that paper cut . . .

Monday, September 18, 2017

Zombie loses money at casino, debt collectors put her in hospital, nearby crowd happy for her

SHADOW CITY -- A zombie visiting the city of pain over the weekend lost all her savings on the tables last night in a matter of minutes, and then debt collectors chased her into a dark alleyway and beat her senseless, sending her to the morgue.

A nearby crowd gathered outside the QuickSands Hotel and Casino on the Sun-Never-Rises Strip and applauded young Cindy Erated’s tragic circumstances as a skeleton crew tossed her bloody carcass into a hearse.

“You come to Shadow City with everything,” said one local zombie gnawing on the medial temporal lobe of some poor soul’s brain, “and in no time hard luck hits you like baseball bat to the head.”

This wasn’t meant to sound like marketing copy, but losers are, in fact, made in this town every day. Book your trip now!

Friday, September 15, 2017

Disposable coffin liners, Drac blood mugs and rocks are must-haves before leaving the Carpathian Mountains

By H. E. L. Hownd
Contributor to the JLP

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- If you’re traveling to the Carpathian Mountains, hopefully you receive the gift of eternal life, some tips on how to romance and trance your victims, and maybe even a few goodies like disposable coffin liners, vampire capes, Dracula blood mugs, books on how to fly when in the form of a bat, blood energy drinks, fang extensions, the “Children of the Night” sound effects/sweet music CD and shirts that say things like, “I gave blood in the Carpathian Mountains and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” There’s nothing like Carpathian dirt to bring home with you. And you shouldn’t forget to get your very own Count Dracula action figure, a replica Drac medallion and some mini vials of blood.

It’s also worth your time to stop by The Count’s Coffin Shoppe in Carpathian Circle to pick out a personalized high-quality therapeutic coffin, lightweight for moving on and off coaches and ships.

The ultimate takeaway from the Carpathian Mountains, however, is a bag of rocks, gems and jewels in the mountains themselves.

“Since there’s no way in this frozen hell that you’ll ever get past the rock monsters up there,” said one of the locals, “there’s one other thing you can do to get the goods: Find the Traveling Jeweler.”

The legend of the Traveling Jeweler has been fading over the years. That’s because no one has ever seen him and most have stopped looking for him. But some say that if you find him, you’ll inherit his fortune. You simply have to give up your soul and trade your life for the Jeweler’s, to roam the snowy Carpathian Mountains forever and ever.

“Yeah, there’s a curse clause in the contract that the Jeweler will make you sign if you want the goods,” said longtime Carpathian Mountains resident Vampira. “You can’t leave the mountains, you’re at constant war with the elements and the rock monsters, and you can’t keep any company. You’re forced to be alone for eternity. I’ve been trying to find the guy for years and make the deal. Some vampires can dream, can’t they?”

The curse, as you’ve probably figured out, is a catch 22. Once you have the fortune, you can’t do anything with it because you’re nowhere near civilization to spend any of it. It’s said that the Jeweler was cursed because he horded his treasures and never shared it with anyone.

“What a fantastic curse,” said a Carpathian Mountains werewolf. “I wouldn’t even want to spend it. Can you imagine having all those gems and jewels to yourself? I’d roll around in it, sleep in it, bathe in it . . . I don’t even like to bathe. But the bottom line is: No one is ever going to find that Traveling Jeweler. We’re all cursed. And not in a good way.”

For those who want to try their luck anyway, go into the mountains and look for an old, hutched-over man dressed in steampunk fashion, sporting a walking stick, massive amounts of jewelry on his wrists and around his neck, an assortment of stuffed potato sacks tied to his body, and a cloth mask and goggles on his face. Be advised: He doesn’t move like an old man. Some think he’s either a super monster or a ghost because he scales the mountains in leaps and bounds. He’s quick and he’s quiet as can be.

Seriously, you’re never gonna find him. You’ll freeze to death in those mountains in a matter of hours. It’s best you just drop by the Carpathian Mountains Souvenir Store in Carpathian Circle and get yourself the next best thing to all those priceless rocks, gems and jewels, and that’s some authentic Carpathian Mountain Rock Candy, made with real melted glacier ice, sediment and rock monster saliva. The only curse you’ll receive is an empty wallet—that candy costs $10.27 a bag, and you’ll want at least three-dozen cases.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Zombie claims vampire removed chain from her bicycle, vampire says he didn’t, zombie still insists

By Skip Ingskool
Staff No Head-ucation Writer

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- At 9:17 p.m. last night near the bike racks at Carpathian Little Thrillers School of Pumping Hearts, a zombie second-grader accused a third-grade vampire of removing the chain from her Schwinn bicycle.

The vampire, a repeat student in Mrs. Snatchandswallow’s class for the disorderly, said he didn’t do it.

“Yes you did,” the zombie replied.

“No I didn’t,” the vampire insisted.

“Yes you did,” the zombie repeated.

“No I didn’t,” the vampire held firm.

The zombie said her bike was ruined and told school yard monitors that she tried to pedal the chain back on, but it didn’t work, and she feared she wouldn’t be able to get back to her grave after school.

“It’s all his fault,” the zombie told one yard monitor, who seemed to be consumed with trying to get two other students from getting along so well. “It’s his fault. It’s his fault. It’s his fault!”

“No it isn’t. No it isn’t. No it isn’t!” the vampire said.

“Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is!” the zombie continued.

The vampire and zombie pupils were still arguing at the bike racks when this story went to press. The sandwiches in their lunches were growing mold (even more mold than when the sandwiches were made). If the rising sun doesn’t destroy the monsters, their lunches will be having them for breakfast.

School officials applauded the students’ despicable behavior. The kids will likely receive an award.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Tree falls in Merlin Valley Woods and it makes noise

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- A tree fell in Merlin Valley Woods last night. No one was there to hear it, but the tree was screaming in pain when someone finally arrived with an axe and an offer to chop it up into firewood.

That crying sound you heard all night was, in fact, the sound of a fallen tree in the Merlin Valley Woods. What sweet music it made.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

President Dracula giving blood substitute to others, keeping good stuff for himself

By Werewolf Blitzer
Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- The media called out President Count Dracula last night for using a blood substitute in his law-ordered blood misters installed at establishments with patios and outdoor areas in several Transyl-vein-ia districts, but the vampire king said it was not true.

According to sources, Drac saved the all-natural blood for the monster mister system he put in over the weekend throughout his home district of the Carpathian Mountains.

“Not true,” the president said, and he left it at that.

When asked to explain the unnatural sweetness of the blood coming from misters in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, the Mad ScienceDistrict, Transyl-vein-ia Hills and Werewolftown, with claims that it has the consistency of corn syrup and, therefore, most likely made from corn syrup, Dracula had just a two-word response:

“Not true.”

The blood from the misters is sticky, though.

“Not true.”

But it is true, and sources have concluded that the blood in the new Carpathian Mountains misters, which is like a massive sprinkler system strategically placed at the highest peaks of the mountains, spraying blood all over the region, is the only real blood being used today.

“Not true.”

Experts have proof that vampires are getting nourishment from the misters in the Carpathian Mountains, and vampires in other districts are going up in flames during failed, tired attempts to make it back to their coffins before sunrise.

“Not true.”

Charcoaled vampire corpses are being found on the streets every day. Check the morgue.

“Not true.”

There’s also scientific confirmation that these vampires had fake blood in their blood stream, hence, leaving them without the sustenance they needed to make it back to their graves.

“Not true.”

Face it -- there’s real blood being used in the Carpathian Mountains and fake blood being used everywhere else.

“Not true.”

There’s even video showing real blood from actual living presences being pumped through the Carpathian Mountains misters and fake blood from thousands of tubes of fake blood bought at CVS being pushed through the misters in other districts.

“So not true.”

Look in the dumpsters -- you’ll see the empty tubes.

“It’s just not true.”

Did you know Dracula sucks his thumb? We have evidence: He’s doing it right now.

“Come on. Not true.”

And he really has no brides, even though he tells everyone he has three. Has anyone ever seen him with even one of these so-called brides?

“Again, not true.”

So, Dracula just wants everyone to believe that whatever he says is fact.

“Now that,” he said, “is true. So, so true.”