VALLEY OF DOOM -- Mummies everywhere are thrilled about the all-new mummy-founded, mummy-managed and mummy-operated eatery in Tombtown. The new establishment, which has been slow to get a name, is intended to not only prove others wrong about a common misconception of mummies, but to show the world that mummies are, in fact, kings, with the King Tut working as the friggin’ sous chef, yo. “We’re tired of all those pompous vampires, cocky werewolves and swaggering dimwitted man-made monsters getting all the attention,” said Queen Wut, a mummy hostess from the restaurant with an axe to grind. “They think they’re so wonderful. But for your information, we mummies have the finest food, the greatest curses, the most elite minds and, of course, the greatest and crustiest bods.” According to several patrons, however, the service in the new establishment sucks. One individual said the food took three hours to burn, and by the time the wait staff lurked from the kitchen to the table 20 minutes later, all the mold had fallen off the cuisine. Misconception? Stupid mummies. There’s no misconception. By the time that last remark even registers in those mummies’ slow brains and they do that slow mummy creep-walk over to anyone who’s gonna do anything about it, discrimination will be back in fashion. Those slowpokes will need three years just to read all the words in this here story.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Monday, August 13, 2018
HELL -- During a game of hide-and-go-seek in the lava-spewing south caverns of the Fire Caves, a naughty little boy caught the Red Devil peeking before reaching the count of 3. “You're a cheater,” the boy shouted as he unintentionally gave up his hiding spot. And so, on this 13th day of August, let it be known as fact: The Red Devil is not to be trusted.
Friday, August 10, 2018
DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- Those of you weirdoes out there who read this online rag on a regular basis and those who live in the monster world might’ve noticed a change in the way the name of the region has been spelled as of late. That’s because President Count Dracula changed it from “Transyl-vein-ia” to “Transylveinya,” and now it's official, despite the fact that the bloodsucker despises change. He hates when policies change, when seasons change, when night changes to day. He won’t even change his underwear. “I like regularity, patterns, the status quo and consistency,” Dracula said. “When things change, I get annoyed, inconvenienced and, let's face it, pretty heated. Unless, of course, I’m the one doing the changing. Then I’m fine with change." Drac changed the name last night. From this point on, it'll be spelled the way he likes it, even in the upcoming travel guide to the monster universe, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons...And Mad Scientists, Too." Look for that guide in October wherever books are sold.
Thursday, August 9, 2018
DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- The Young Fronkenshteen Theatre just announced its next play, a new production of “A Halloween Hymn” by Scarles Nickens (a real cut-up). The classic hymn in prose is a ghost story of Halloween, following the smiling, hugging, loving, caring, charitable old saint, Ebenezer Stooge, who, unlike the rest of the town awaiting Halloween, is more interested in the joyful arrival of Christmas, which, to him, is all a humdinger. “Humdinger!” he exclaims, until he encounters the ghost of his late business partner, who warns that three ghouls will visit him on the night before Halloween. The spirits take Stooge on a journey of All Hallow’s Eve past, present and future in the hope of transforming his joyfulness into good Halloween evil. “The scares will be there,” said the Ghost of Orson Welles, who directed the play. “But we had fun exploring the light side of monsterity. The Ghost of Lionel Barrymore plays Stooge, and he had a blast portraying good, noble and downright frolicsome and fun lovin’. We just hope nobody gets offended.” Hark how the bells, Sweet funeral bells, All seem to say, Give scares away...Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Halloween! “A Halloween Hymn” opens Sept. 1.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- Supermarkets in town are cracking down on shoppers putting service beasts into carts. Last night, one area resident, Ann Darrow, attempted to put her emotional support critter into a basket and was denied the chance by an employee of the Deadly Weggly Supermarket. Then the store manager came out and told the customer that she wouldn’t be allowed in the store. “He told me my pet couldn’t even go through the front door,” Darrow said. “The Transylveinyans with Disabilities Act prevents business owners from asking about my disability or even requesting paperwork pertaining to my service beast status. But he (the store manager) asked and requested, as if I was lying about my situation. Their carts and front door couldn't even accomodate me and my animal. This is an outrage and discrimination.” According to the store manager, Darrow’s pet destroyed several baskets trying to get into one, and upon entry nearly took out the entire front of the building. “How else,” Darrow asked, “is someone gonna get emotional support if not with a giant, building-sized gorilla that can take down the most vicious T-Rex in a matter of minutes?” Darrow argued with the store manager for upwards of 20 minutes, and then she and King Kong left the shopping center and headed home without any groceries.
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
WITCHES MEADOW -- A swamp monster heading into the human world for the Halloween season to scare people will not perform the “monster carry” of his victims, even though he’ll be paid as a carrier. According to a Transylveinya Workmonster’s Comp. representative, the slimy beast is to be on light duty the entire season. Other carriers in the carrier union are upset. “He’s done this same thing every year for the past six seasons,” said a member of the monsterhood. “He’s always claiming his back is hurt, saying he can’t carry his victims like the rest of us do, and then he gets assigned light duty, but he still gets paid the carrier rate. Come Christmastime, he’s back in his swamp, throwing his kids on his shoulders, moving furniture around and bowling. He’s working the system, and it’s pretty lowdown, even for a monster who lurks around in the muck.” In addition to the swamp monster not doing the monster carry this year, according to his restrictions paperwork, he won’t be jumping out of any shadowy spaces, chasing anyone or making any sudden moves at all. The scummy thing told reporters he’d be a set of glowing eyes in a bush somewhere in Middle America. That’s your tax dollars at work.
Monday, August 6, 2018
HUMAN WORLD -- Lightning continues to hit in the same place this evening in a small human town, and now the Frankensteins are looking to renew their vows again. The Mr. and Mrs. told reporters they simply wanted another reception with lots of guests, whether they knew the creatures or not. “There were all kinds of lightning strikes out there tonight, and still more crashing down,” said The Bride of Frankenstein. “So we planned a shotgun renewal-of-our-vows ceremony and reception, and invited everyone. Then we signed up for a gift registry in the very place where all that lightning is striking and put over 100 different types of lightning bolts on our list.” At press time, the Frankensteins had already received half the electricity they’d registered for. The event helped reaffirm their commitment to the life the two monsters had started together so many years ago. It also helped reaffirm their commitment to life. They’re still alive! (Who's writing this stuff? And who's reading it?)