Tuesday, October 31, 2017

It's almost time for that time again, kids

THE HUMAN WORLD -- President Count Dracula's blood misters will cause the portals between the monster world and the human world to close on Halloween night, leaving monsters stranded in the human world forever.

Will monsters, in fact, be stuck here for good? Will there be scares year-round? Will the humans have to build more housing for monsters and give up jobs to vampires, werewolves and ghouls?

The clock is ticking . . . It's almost time to find out . . . 

Tonight's the big night . . .

Click here for the horrorthon . . .

And remember the big giveaway at 9. Don't miss it. And don't forget to wear your Silver Shamrock masks. The clock is ticking. It's almost time.

Happy Halloween from your friends at Jack-o'-Lantern Press

Monday, October 30, 2017

Monsters pick favorite Halloween movies

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

THE HUMAN WORLD -- As monsters in the human world prepare for the big night tomorrow, we at Jack-o’-Lantern Press asked hundreds of them to take time out of the busy scare schedules to share with us some of their favorite Halloween movies and videos. The response was monstrous.

After a detailed poll, the results are in, and we found that many of the same titles kept coming up. Keep in mind: This is a monster’s list.

“We came up with a top five list,” said Vide Odrome, a diabolical invader who conducted our survey. “The five movies that came up most are the movies that made this list. But we included some of the other films that were mentioned quite a bit around the ones every monster loves.”

There’s one movie that monsters seem to like most as the Halloween season begins in August. It’s a monster movie. A big one. Two monster titans going head to head in the 1943 Universal classic, “Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man.” Many monsters were bummed with the ending, since both monsters are destroyed in an explosion, so the two sequels that followed, “House of Frankenstein” (1944) and “House of Dracula” (1945), are quite popular and are often binge watched together. A couple other classics in a similar vein that came up were “The Alligator People” (1959), “Man Made Monster” (1941), “The Invisible Man” (1933) and “House on Haunted Hill” (1959), along with some of the more obvious Universal classic monster classics.

But the second movie on the list really packs in the monsters. Monsters that have diverse backgrounds liked this one because creatures from all backgrounds, shapes and sizes are here, from zombies and demons to werewolves and vampires. “Scooby-Doo! and the Goblin King” (2008) is an exceptional docu-drama about the lives of pretty much every monster you can think of on Halloween night. Other fun similar movies are “Hotel Transylvania” (2012), “Hotel Transylvania 2” (2015), “Mad Monster Party?” (1967), “Dear Dracula” (2012) and, of course, “Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993).

The third movie on the list was certainly a crowd favorite, and the end of the story offers hope for a monster revival that’s enough to raise the roof of any monster movie house. “Goosebumps” (2015) was on the tops of so many monsters’ lists. Other movies in this camp of fun monster romps include “The Monster Squad” (1987), “Monster Island” (1987), "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein" (1948), “The Return of the Living Dead” (1985), “Gremlins 2” The New Batch” (1990), “Matinee” (1993) and “The ‘burbs” (1989).

The fourth movie on the list is quickly becoming every monster’s No. 1. It’s the monsters’ version of the human world’s “A Christmas Story” on Christmas. It’s “Trick ‘r Treat” (2007), and monster families that come together during the Halloween season often gather around their TVs to watch this one about Halloween traditions to get a feeling of pride and belonging. Monsters who love this movie brought up other favorite horror anthologies, including “Creepshow” (1982), “Nightmares” (1983), “Twilight Zone: The Movie” (1983), “Tales of Halloween” (2015), “Body Bags” (1993), "V/H/S" (2012) and -- somehow this came up a lot -- “Amazon Women on the Moon” (1987).

For the fifth and most favorited movie of all, we come to the one that everything seemed to agree on, one that stars one of the most popular monsters of all time, one that says Halloween and Halloween tradition more than almost any other Halloween movie, one that gives that Halloween feel you want on Halloween: It’s “Halloween” (1978). And if you’re watching that, you must also watch “Halloween II” (1982) and “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” (1982). Other favorites in this camp include “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (1974), “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter” (1984) and “A Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984).

“What’s missing from this list,” Odrome said, “are the Hammer horror films like 'The Curse of Frankenstein,' 'The Mummy,' 'The Gorgon' and 'Horror of Dracula,' fun ones like ‘Hocus Pocus’, ‘Ernest Scared Stupid,’ ‘Young Frankenstein’ and ‘Elvira’s Haunted Hills,’ gore fests like ‘Bad Taste,’ ‘Dead Alive,’ ‘Army of Darkness’ and 'Grindhouse,' the Val Lewton classics like 'I Walked with a Zombie' and 'Cat People,' and the Italian horror thrillers like 'Black Sunday' and 'Suspiria.' Then there are monster moviemaker movies like 'Ed Wood' and 'Gods and Monsters,' creature features like 'King Kong,' 'Them!' and 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,' and that's just to name a few. But we talked to the first monsters that attacked us on the street, and this is what we got. Regardless of which ones are in your top five, we think our five should be brought into every tomb, swamp, haunted house and evil forest to be enjoyed during this time of year.”

Share some of your favorite Halloween flicks in the comments below. We’ll be waiting.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Headless Horseman may never return to monster world

By Icabod Crane
Contributor to the JLP

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- The Headless Horseman is optimistic about making his annual trip into the human world’s Sleepy Hollow via the portal found in Headless Horseman Bridge in Pumpkin Hollow between the monster world and the human world, while at the same time publicly acknowledging what has been obvious for some time, that he might never return.

According to mad scientists, all portals between the monster world and the human world will close for good on Halloween, the night that Headless will ride through Sleepy Hollow and chase some poor soul to his or her doom.

“We don’t know what the future holds,” Headless’s agent said, “but we do know this: If the portal doesn’t open back up to the monster world, then that means Headless will finally be able to ride through that covered bridge and finish what he sets out to do every October 31st. He’ll be able to ride through the bridge and not get sucked into the portal, and he’ll finally get the head he so desires to replace the pumpkin head on his shoulders now -- no offense to pumpkin heads.”

While Headless seems more than thrilled about the idea of the portals closing so he can get his head, once he does get it, he’ll have to remain in the human world forever, which is not ideal, especially since it’ll be difficult to hide among so many humans, unless he conceals himself in the trunk of a tree like the horseman did in that fictitious Tim Burton movie about a headless horseman that is in no way related to the real one.

Headless was peppered with questions during a news conference this morning, and he kept repeating the same thing.

“Mrrah ha ha ha ha ha!” he said over and over again.

At the end of the conference, the goblin rider rose in his stirrups and hurled his head at all the fake news organizations in attendance, excluding this fake news source. Everyone fled the scene, and on and around the chairs were found reporter’s notebooks and writing utensils, audio recorders and --  you guessed it -- a shattered pumpkin. And what a waste of a perfectly good pumpkin.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Skeleton accused of stealing Halloween magic from Jack-o’-Lantern Tree

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- Yesterday around noon, a lone skeleton in his mid 200s allegedly found the Jack-o’-Lantern Tree, stole some of its Halloween magic, got into a red PT Cruiser and left. Sources said they couldn’t determine if any magic was, in fact, taken, but claimed it’s possible. Reports of a skeleton cruising around in the described vehicle have been made all morning.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Crows suspected of scarecrow hit and run just outside Scarecrow Square

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- At midnight last night, a scarecrow on the outskirts of Scarecrow Square was attacked by crows. The suspects are said to be black in color, stout with strong bills and legs. Damages were the scarecrow’s left arm, his straw hat, a button eyeball and his corncob pipe.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Another Pumpkin Hollow owl finds another perfect perch for Halloween

By Archimedes
Contributor to the JLP

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- She found her new Halloween spot in the low 500s. With a spectacular view of all those who pass by below and through the Hollow, her perch is the perfect place to hoot her warning to those who shouldn’t be heading where they’re headed.

Ophellia Owl’s six-story oak offers deep enough knots in its trunk to store over 150 volumes, from her Jack Ryan novels to her prized autographed edition of “Skipping Christmas” by John Grisham. For the season, the perch below her branch has been stocked with a pumpkin spice-flavored owl on her perfect perch.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Pumpkin Hollow owl finds perfect perch for Halloween

By Archimedes
Contributor to the JLP

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- It’s the spot she occupied last Halloween. The same spot from the Halloween before that. With a spectacular view of all those who pass by below and through the Hollow, her perch is the perfect place to hoot her warning to those who shouldn’t be heading where they’re headed.

Olivia Owl’s six-story oak offers deep enough knots in its trunk to store over 150 volumes, from her Mark Twain books to her prized autographed edition of “The Joy Luck Club” by Amy Tan. For the season, the trail running below her branch has been stocked with pumpkin spice-flavored travelers on horseback.