Friday, August 18, 2017

Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn being used for good, not evil

By The Invisible Man
Contributor to the JLP

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- The rooms in the Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn are meant for mad scientists to do work of evil. According to sources, some are using the space for good . . .

Not only can you not see me, The Invisible Man, but the rest of this story disappeared as well. I’ll have it to you shortly . . .

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Time traveler claims monsters will be trapped in human world this Halloween

By The Crazed Scientist
Special Events Writer

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- A trip into the future has brought news of trouble this Halloween.

According to The Frantic Scientist, who built a time machine and demonstrated it last night during this week’s Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, monsters who are traveling to the human world this Halloween will be unable to get back following the holiday.

“I went into the future and saw exactly what happens,” Frantic said. “The portals between our worlds do not re-open and cannot be re-opened, and hundreds of thousands of monsters are stuck living with humans forever.”

According to no one else but Frantic, the threat is very, very real. No studies, no research and no second opinions.

“And we’re to believe that that stupid thing with a spinning satellite dish on the back is actually capable of time travel?” asked The Sour Scientist, who was a little more than skeptical when he saw the display and heard the news late last night. “What are we supposed to do, not deploy monsters into the human world for Halloween, pull out all our operatives who are already there, call off All Hallows’ Eve for the first time ever, not scare anyone again? This is ridiculous. Something like this has never happened before, why would it happen now?”

Some rationalize that monsters can simply scare during the early hours of the night on Halloween, and just leave for the monster world before the portals close up for good, as Frantic reported, at 10:30 p.m. STT (Standard Transyl-vein-ia Time).

“Why take a chance?” asked The Turbulent Scientist. “I’ll be able to carry out plenty of my plans by 10:30.”

Frantic argued that all monsters going through the portals at the same time would jam them up, so The Turbulent Scientist’s greed, he said, to conduct her scares for Halloween shouldn’t sway others from acting foolishly.

“Mortals are expected to be foolish,” he said. “We shouldn’t be. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I’ve seen the future and it can’t be altered. It is what it is. A lot of you won’t listen and you’ll be trapped over there. I’ll be here looking for ways to make money off my discoveries. I’ve already got a book deal going, so . . .”

The convention floor has since divided, pitting those hitting the panic button on portal travel up against those calling Frantic’s claims a frantic hoax.

“I mean, look at the guy’s body of work,” The Sour Scientist said. “He’s tried and failed to take over the world over a dozen times. I say we all stick to our current Halloween plans, and show that we don’t buy into this ‘Frantic’ nonsense.”

Frantic later told skeptics not to listen to Sour, who has also, along with everyone else in the room, tried and failed to take over the world well over a dozen times.

“Don’t be Sour,” he yelled. “Be like me -- I’m Frantic. And I’m not panicking here. I’m responding based on real science.”

Frantic tried to take others into the future so they could see for themselves what awaits, but the eyes his time machine uses to navigate through time stopped being able to see and wouldn’t allow him to take other trips.

“I bought these human eyeballs at the local Evil-More Shopping Mart the other day for my machine,” Frantic said, “and it looks like it’s a bad batch. No worries, though, I heard there’s a sale on other eyeballs now. I’ll just run along and get some more.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will keep you posted as this story unfolds. Check in with us again very soon for thrilling updates, gut-wrenching climaxes and the diabolic conclusion.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Robot dance club gets needed reboot

By The Weird Scientist
Staff Tech Writer
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Critics of the Robot Lounge and Dance Club on Doom Drive called the dance moves at the once hot spot tired and predictable, but with new charging stations and update jacks right in the walls and at the tables, there’s been an unsuspected robot uprising there.

Even terminator machines have been going.

“I can’t calculate what my dance partner is gonna do anymore,” said a sweaty, but not winded and certainly fully-charged T-666 who was speaking to the press late last night at the club. “You can bet that each night when I’m return from the past where I’m looking for the leader of the human resistance, I’ll be here at Robot Lounge puttin’ on the moves. And if I start to slow or become a little dull, I simply plug in and get what I need. This place is back, just like me!”

The T-666 was caught doing some dope hand hops, flares, head spins and even the jam boogie on the dance floor.

“Before, we could only do moves like The Sprinkler, The Cabbage Patch, The Lawnmower and, one of my favorites, The Running Man,” said the T-13, another terminator. “We could operate heavy artillery and mimic human life, but we couldn’t do The Moonwalk to save our operating systems. Now I’m a real dancing machine . . . literally!”

According to Robot Lounge officials, robot patrons will also be able to get firmware updates and USB-imported snacks at the bar. You can even get service packs, hot fixes and other goodies with enhanced features, intelligence and new sub-routines, which will be available in the restrooms where you can dump old files in the trash (or recycle bins, depending on your O.S.).

And while robots are thrilled to have a great place to go and play, hackers are already trying to create viruses to infiltrate the lounge’s network.

“A robot uprising is one thing,” said the leader of one mad scientist group in the area looking to take over the world. “An uprising with robots who dare, dream, smile, sing loudly and dance is something totally different.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

President Dracula continues to add controversial blood misters to patios, causes problem at Mad Science store

By The Angry Scientist
Staff Pissed-Off Writer
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- New mandatory blood misters at the Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive have damaged at least 10 pallets of human eyeballs that were put outside the store to be sold starting Monday.

The outdoor display of merchandise was placed there as a promotion for mad scientists who pass by on their way to the Mad Science Convention down the street. The convention, which began on Monday and goes through Friday night, has brought in mad scientists from all over the world.

“It was a no-brainer to put brains and organs and eyeballs out front to lure in customers,” said Evil-More Merchandising Manager Maad Murchent. “We knew mad scientists would be in need of some last-minute things before their presentations at the convention. We wanted merchandise to jump out at them as they drove by. On Monday night, when the eyeballs stopped popping out at passersby, we knew something was up.”

Last week, Count Dracula took the presidential office of Transyl-vein-ia by storm, and his first piece of legislation was an order to install blood misters on patios and in other outdoor areas at Downtown Transyl-vein-ia establishments. The project was met with criticism, as the blood mist immediately began making a bloody mess, according to some.

The President hasn’t budged on his position. He’s extended the legislation to include the required installation of blood misters in the Mad Science District. Evil-More Shopping Mart was one of the first places to get the misters and already, the mad scientist supply shop is having trouble.

“We sold over 200 eyeballs on Monday alone,” Murchent said, “and they’ve all come back. Monsters are saying they put them in their creations, and then when the creations came to life, they were knocking over beaker tables and crashing into gurneys.”

Upon examination of the returned merchandise, Murchent and his RTV clerk determined that the blood mist in the air from the blood misters out in front of the store damaged the eyesight in the eyeballs.

“You see, they don’t see with stained lenses,” Murchent said. “And since these eyeballs don’t have eyelids out there on display, the blood couldn’t be wiped away and it bled into the eyes and permanently damaged them.”

Murchent said his RTV clerk had to send over 300 eyeballs back to the vendor. But they couldn’t even get credit. The vendor told them all sales were final and returned the eyeballs to the store.

“Not only did we incur that loss,” Murchent said, “but we also have customers vowing to never shop at our store again. We gave away tons of free stitches and electrical wire just for the inconvenience. Some scientists said they’d never buy non-organic eyeballs again. We don’t carry organic eyes, so that screws us. Now we’re thinking of looking into organic products, and we all know that stuff’s just a waste of money.”

Even with the loss, President Count Dracula won’t allow Evil-More to shut off their blood misters. The blood must go on, he told them.

So, beginning today, Evil-More Shopping Mart invites one and all to come see the giant sale on aisle 13: Eyeballs for half the price!

Monday, August 14, 2017

Mad Science Convention to showcase over 100 plans to take over the world

By The Crazed Scientist
Special Events Writer
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Tomorrow marks the start of the Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, which will go through Fri., Aug. 18. Mad scientists from all over the globe will be there to show off their plans to take over the world.

Some will show off their proposals using crude models, some will use the actual machinery to carry out their plots and others will explain their ideas by way of elaborate drawings. But all of these maniacs are off their rockers.

“I’ll be executing a trial run of my brilliant scheme using hand puppets,” said the Master of Puppets, a mad scientist who says he and his puppets will one day be in charge. The puppets on his hands went on to say something else, but the high pitch voices were too difficult to make out.

Those who want to catch all the action should arrive at least an hour before the doors open. According to the posters spread around town and several newspaper and magazine ads that were published over the weekend, the convention starts at midnight tonight (technically tomorrow). But the doors won’t open till 1 a.m.

“The problem with this convention -- other than the start time and the time they’ll be opening the doors -- is that all of these plans to take over the world are supposed to be secret,” said convention organizer Mad Scientist. “Too late now, though. As you know, we’ve already made the posters and placed the ads, so we might as well just go through with it. However, we warn you to forget whatever you see there.”

Friday, August 11, 2017

Sherlock Bones Investigations under investigation for investigating with integrity

By Dr. Oddson
Contributor to the JLP

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Sherlock Bones Investigations has been unfairly accused of investigating with integrity. According to sources, there is absolutely no proof of this whatsoever.

Mr. Bones has operated an illegitimate, unsuccessful business for over 100 years, according to several clients, friends and, of course, his own mother.

“I’ve known Bones all his life,” his mom said. “Believe me. He’s a hack. He couldn’t crack his knuckles let alone a case.”

For those reading this who are not of the skeleton kind, let it be known that a skeleton’s primary purpose is to crack bones in a slow, methodical manner so as to scare the pants off others. According to his mother, Bones keeps his limbs crisp and polished at all times and wouldn’t even be physically able to crack his knuckles . . .

This is beside the point. The point, mind you, is that Sherlock Bones has never been accused of possessing powers of keen observation, uncanny memory or spot-on logic and deductions to do any good. He would hurt a fly, though he wouldn’t know it.

“If you remember the Case of the Ant Hill Beneath Our Feet,” said a prominent member of Scotland Yard who wishes to remain nameless since his opinion differs from his superiors, “Mr. Bones was investigating the very building standing atop the hill. If the little details are important to an inspector with integrity, then the ants crawling all over his bony bottoms would’ve been a good clue to ponder.”

But Bones let the evil ants take over the place and devour the 30 or so souls within, and he was a hero for the horror he couldn’t detect.

Nevertheless, Downtown Transyl-vein-ia officials claim he saved a group of hideous monsters who were recently dining out and about to toss back some champagne tainted with poisonous poison.

“It wasn’t even the fun poison,” said Mrs. Dudson, Bones’ landlady who often “spices” up Bones’ tea with a little something-rather, and who knows the difference between poisonous poison and mere dangerous poison. “Yes, those drinks would’ve caused ultimate and glorious doom to the monsters at the table had it not been for Bones’ rather pleasant violin music, which caused the group to shriek. But he had no way of knowing what they were about to drink and that he caused them to skip the sip.

“No, Bones just went on playing that beautiful violin,” Dudson said, “and the group couldn’t take it anymore, so they ended the meeting and adjourned, unbeknownst to him. However, had Bones had any integrity, he would’ve celebrated his victory for having saved the group from their final demise -- he’s such a pompous ass -- and the authorities would’ve taken him away and locked him up right then and there for diverting perfectly good terror. These ridiculous allegations of integrity hold no truth at all.”

Your humble author can attest to this, as I am closest to Mr. Bones. I assure you that Det. Sherlock Bones obtained no data from his proximity in this recent Case of the Poisonous Poison That Wasn’t Had. Sherlock Bones was none the wiser. His mind, in other words, is elementary, my dear reader. Judge him accordingly.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Bride unveils new show, ‘Real House Monsters of Downtown Transyl-vein-ia’

By T.V. Killznweluvit
Staff En-terror-tainment Writer

The Bride of Frankenstein is expanding her entertainment empire with a brand new reality series on her TV network, BOF.

The show, “Real House Monsters of Downtown Transyl-vein-ia,” will focus on six monster friends living, dying, undying and scaring in the downtown area.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to bring this group of thrillers come fang to fang in one show, five nights a week,” The Bride said.

She wouldn’t share which monsters would be in front of the camera, but she told the press that viewers would be shocked.

“We take pride in shocking our audiences,” said network spokesmonster Bloody Mess. “We’ve already shot the first three episodes, and we shot our stars, too. They’re more than tragic. Lots of gore. Lots of heads flying. It’s fantastic!”

BOF greenlit the show following the success of the similar reality series, “Real House Monsters of Transyl-vein-ia Hills,” which debuted last August.

“If you thought suburban life in ‘Hills’ was bloody,” The Bride said, “wait’ll you see what happens in the city at night where the body counts more than double.”

Tune into the BOF Network for episode 1 at midnight on Monday.