SCIENCE DISTRICT -- A trip into the future has brought news of trouble this
to The Frantic Scientist, who built a time machine and demonstrated it last
night during this week’s Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science
Convention Center, monsters who are traveling to the human world this Halloween
will be unable to get back following the holiday.
went into the future and saw exactly what happens,” Frantic said. “The portals
between our worlds do not re-open and cannot be re-opened, and hundreds of
thousands of monsters are stuck living with humans forever.”
to no one else but Frantic, the threat is very, very real. No studies, no
research and no second opinions.
we’re to believe that that stupid thing with a spinning satellite dish on the
back is actually capable of time travel?” asked The Sour Scientist, who was a
little more than skeptical when he saw the display and heard the news late last
night. “What are we supposed to do, not deploy monsters into the human world
for Halloween, pull out all our operatives who are already there, call off All
Hallows’ Eve for the first time ever, not scare anyone again? This is
ridiculous. Something like this has never happened before, why would it happen
rationalize that monsters can simply scare during the early hours of the night
on Halloween, and just leave for the monster world before the portals close up for
good, as Frantic reported, at 10:30 p.m. STT (Standard Transyl-vein-ia Time).
take a chance?” asked The Turbulent Scientist. “I’ll be able to carry out
plenty of my plans by 10:30.”
argued that all monsters going through the portals at the same time would jam
them up, so The Turbulent Scientist’s greed, he said, to conduct her scares for
Halloween shouldn’t sway others from acting foolishly.
are expected to be foolish,” he said. “We shouldn’t be. But it doesn’t matter
anyway. I’ve seen the future and it can’t be altered. It is what it is. A lot
of you won’t listen and you’ll be trapped over there. I’ll be here looking for
ways to make money off my discoveries. I’ve already got a book deal going, so .
convention floor has since divided, pitting those hitting the panic button on
portal travel up against those calling Frantic’s claims a frantic hoax.
mean, look at the guy’s body of work,” The Sour Scientist said. “He’s tried and
failed to take over the world over a dozen times. I say we all stick to our
current Halloween plans, and show that we don’t buy into this ‘Frantic’
later told skeptics not to listen to Sour, who has also, along with everyone
else in the room, tried and failed to take over the world well over a dozen
be Sour,” he yelled. “Be like me -- I’m Frantic. And I’m not panicking here.
I’m responding based on real science.”
tried to take others into the future so they could see for themselves what
awaits, but the eyes his time machine uses to navigate through time stopped
being able to see and wouldn’t allow him to take other trips.
bought these human eyeballs at the local Evil-More Shopping Mart the other day
for my machine,” Frantic said, “and it looks like it’s a bad batch. No worries,
though, I heard there’s a sale on other eyeballs now. I’ll just run along and
get some more.”
will keep you posted as this story unfolds. Check in with us again very soon
for thrilling updates, gut-wrenching climaxes and the diabolic conclusion.
By The Weird Scientist Staff Tech Writer MAD
SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Critics of the Robot Lounge and Dance Club on Doom Drive called
the dance moves at the once hot spot tired and predictable, but with new
charging stations and update jacks right in the walls and at the tables,
there’s been an unsuspected robot uprising there.
terminator machines have been going.
can’t calculate what my dance partner is gonna do anymore,” said a sweaty, but
not winded and certainly fully-charged T-666 who was speaking to the press late
last night at the club. “You can bet that each night when I’m return from the
past where I’m looking for the leader of the human resistance, I’ll be here at
Robot Lounge puttin’ on the moves. And if I start to slow or become a little
dull, I simply plug in and get what I need. This place is back, just like me!”
T-666 was caught doing some dope hand hops, flares, head spins and even the jam
boogie on the dance floor.
we could only do moves like The Sprinkler, The Cabbage Patch, The Lawnmower
and, one of my favorites, The Running Man,” said the T-13, another terminator.
“We could operate heavy artillery and mimic human life, but we couldn’t do The
Moonwalk to save our operating systems. Now I’m a real dancing machine . . .
to Robot Lounge officials, robot patrons will also be able to get firmware
updates and USB-imported snacks at the bar. You can even get service packs, hot
fixes and other goodies with enhanced features, intelligence and new
sub-routines, which will be available in the restrooms where you can dump old
files in the trash (or recycle bins, depending on your O.S.).
while robots are thrilled to have a great place to go and play, hackers are
already trying to create viruses to infiltrate the lounge’s network.
robot uprising is one thing,” said the leader of one mad scientist group in the
area looking to take over the world. “An uprising with robots who dare, dream,
smile, sing loudly and dance is something totally different.”
By The Angry Scientist Staff Pissed-Off Writer MAD
SCIENCE DISTRICT -- New mandatory blood misters at the Evil-More Shopping Mart
on Doom Drive have damaged at least 10 pallets of human eyeballs that were put
outside the store to be sold starting Monday.
outdoor display of merchandise was placed there as a promotion for mad
scientists who pass by on their way to the Mad Science Convention down the
street. The convention, which began on Monday and goes through Friday night,
has brought in mad scientists from all over the world.
was a no-brainer to put brains and organs and eyeballs out front to lure in
customers,” said Evil-More Merchandising Manager Maad Murchent. “We knew mad
scientists would be in need of some last-minute things before their
presentations at the convention. We wanted merchandise to jump out at them as
they drove by. On Monday night, when the eyeballs stopped popping out at
passersby, we knew something was up.”
week, Count Dracula took the presidential office of Transyl-vein-ia by storm, and
his first piece of legislation was an order to install blood misters on patios
and in other outdoor areas at Downtown Transyl-vein-ia establishments. The
project was met with criticism, as the blood mist immediately began making a
bloody mess, according to some.
President hasn’t budged on his position. He’s extended the legislation to include
the required installation of blood misters in the Mad Science District. Evil-More Shopping
Mart was one of the first places to get the misters and already, the mad
scientist supply shop is having trouble.
sold over 200 eyeballs on Monday alone,” Murchent said, “and they’ve all come
back. Monsters are saying they put them in their creations, and then when the
creations came to life, they were knocking over beaker tables and crashing into
examination of the returned merchandise, Murchent and his RTV clerk determined
that the blood mist in the air from the blood misters out in front of the store
damaged the eyesight in the eyeballs.
see, they don’t see with stained lenses,” Murchent said. “And since these
eyeballs don’t have eyelids out there on display, the blood couldn’t be wiped
away and it bled into the eyes and permanently damaged them.”
said his RTV clerk had to send over 300 eyeballs back to the vendor. But they
couldn’t even get credit. The vendor told them all sales were final and returned
the eyeballs to the store.
only did we incur that loss,” Murchent said, “but we also have customers vowing
to never shop at our store again. We gave away tons of free stitches and electrical
wire just for the inconvenience. Some scientists said they’d never buy
non-organic eyeballs again. We don’t carry organic eyes, so that screws us. Now
we’re thinking of looking into organic products, and we all know that stuff’s just
a waste of money.”
with the loss, President Count Dracula won’t allow Evil-More to shut off their
blood misters. The blood must go on, he told them.
beginning today, Evil-More Shopping Mart invites one and all to come see the
giant sale on aisle 13: Eyeballs for half the price!
By The Crazed Scientist Special Events Writer MAD
SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Tomorrow marks the start of the Annual Mad Science
Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, which will go through Fri.,
Aug. 18. Mad scientists from all over the globe will be there to show off their
plans to take over the world.
will show off their proposals using crude models, some will use the actual
machinery to carry out their plots and others will explain their ideas by way
of elaborate drawings. But all of these maniacs are off their rockers.
be executing a trial run of my brilliant scheme using hand puppets,” said the
Master of Puppets, a mad scientist who says he and his puppets will one day be
in charge. The puppets on his hands went on to say something else, but the high
pitch voices were too difficult to make out.
who want to catch all the action should arrive at least an hour before the doors
open. According to the posters spread around town and several newspaper and
magazine ads that were published over the weekend, the convention starts at
midnight tonight (technically tomorrow). But the doors won’t open till 1 a.m.
problem with this convention -- other than the start time and the time they’ll
be opening the doors -- is that all of these plans to take over the world are
supposed to be secret,” said convention organizer Mad Scientist. “Too late now,
though. As you know, we’ve already made the posters and placed the ads, so we
might as well just go through with it. However, we warn you to forget whatever you see
TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Sherlock Bones Investigations has been unfairly accused of
investigating with integrity. According to sources, there is absolutely no
proof of this whatsoever.
Bones has operated an illegitimate, unsuccessful business for over 100 years,
according to several clients, friends and, of course, his own mother.
known Bones all his life,” his mom said. “Believe me. He’s a hack. He couldn’t
crack his knuckles let alone a case.”
those reading this who are not of the skeleton kind, let it be known that a
skeleton’s primary purpose is to crack bones in a slow, methodical manner so as
to scare the pants off others. According to his mother, Bones keeps his limbs
crisp and polished at all times and wouldn’t even be physically able to crack
his knuckles . . .
is beside the point. The point, mind you, is that Sherlock Bones has never been
accused of possessing powers of keen observation, uncanny memory or spot-on logic
and deductions to do any good. He would
hurt a fly, though he wouldn’t know it.
you remember the Case of the Ant Hill Beneath Our Feet,” said a prominent
member of Scotland Yard who wishes to remain nameless since his opinion differs
from his superiors, “Mr. Bones was investigating the very building standing
atop the hill. If the little details are important to an inspector with
integrity, then the ants crawling all over his bony bottoms would’ve been a
good clue to ponder.”
Bones let the evil ants take over the place and devour the 30 or so souls
within, and he was a hero for the horror he couldn’t detect.
Downtown Transyl-vein-ia officials claim he saved a group of hideous monsters who
were recently dining out and about to toss back some champagne tainted with
wasn’t even the fun poison,” said Mrs. Dudson, Bones’ landlady who often
“spices” up Bones’ tea with a little something-rather, and who knows the
difference between poisonous poison and mere dangerous poison. “Yes, those
drinks would’ve caused ultimate and glorious doom to the monsters at the table had
it not been for Bones’ rather pleasant violin music, which caused the group to
shriek. But he had no way of knowing what they were about to drink and that he
caused them to skip the sip.
Bones just went on playing that beautiful violin,” Dudson said, “and the group couldn’t
take it anymore, so they ended the meeting and adjourned, unbeknownst to him. However,
had Bones had any integrity, he would’ve celebrated his victory for having
saved the group from their final demise -- he’s such a pompous ass -- and the
authorities would’ve taken him away and locked him up right then and there for
diverting perfectly good terror. These ridiculous allegations of integrity hold
no truth at all.”
humble author can attest to this, as I am closest to Mr. Bones. I assure you
that Det. Sherlock Bones obtained no data from his proximity in this recent
Case of the Poisonous Poison That Wasn’t Had. Sherlock Bones was none the
wiser. His mind, in other words, is elementary, my dear reader. Judge him
Bride of Frankenstein is expanding her entertainment empire with a brand new
reality series on her TV network, BOF.
show, “Real House Monsters of Downtown Transyl-vein-ia,” will focus on six
monster friends living, dying, undying and scaring in the downtown area.
couldn’t be more thrilled to bring this group of thrillers come fang to fang in
one show, five nights a week,” The Bride said.
wouldn’t share which monsters would be in front of the camera, but she told the
press that viewers would be shocked.
take pride in shocking our audiences,” said network spokesmonster Bloody Mess.
“We’ve already shot the first three episodes, and we shot our stars, too. They’re
more than tragic. Lots of gore. Lots of heads flying. It’s fantastic!”
greenlit the show following the success of the similar reality series, “Real
House Monsters of Transyl-vein-ia Hills,” which debuted last August.
you thought suburban life in ‘Hills’ was bloody,” The Bride said, “wait’ll you see
what happens in the city at night where the body counts more than double.”
Tune into the BOF Network for episode 1 at
midnight on Monday.