Thursday, October 19, 2017

Group of UFOs spotted in the sky

By Evi Dent
Staff Writer of the Obvious

UFO SPRINGS -- A group of UFOs were seen last night flying over UFO Springs. Then again, aren’t they always?

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Stage Roar Canteen still best place for G.I.s to find big bands and bad food

By W. W. Tu
Staff Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces Writer

UFO SPRINGS -- Dracula served the drinks, Frankenstein’s Monster and The Bride provided the electric atmosphere, the Invisible Man told the jokes, and Klaris the Mummy crooned with his Klarisketeers. The place is the Stage Roar Canteen over the hill from Old MacDonald’s Farm near one of the first ever saucer landing sites at Area 13 in UFO Springs, and at one time, Transyl-vein-ia’s biggest stars served zombies and mutants of Transyl-vein-ia’s Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces headed off to war against alien invaders.

G.I.s enjoyed war, but sometimes they needed a break from battle. And so the Stage Roar Canteen offered a welcome opportunity to discover all new anxieties.

“The food alone was a terror,” said Chef Army Sludgeflinger. “A zombie typically eats one thing -- brains. But brains could be found anywhere on the battlefield. That’s why we in the Canteen kitchen had to provide something a little different, you know, to show how much we appreciated the efforts of the Forces.”

In war, zombie G.I.s feasted on brains contaminated with dirt, UFO fuels, shrapnel and other foreign objects, therefore, Chef Sludgeflinger and his cooking staff concocted new brain recipes to include rare poisons, mold and spores on top of the other pollutants.

For the mutant G.I.s who, unlike the zombies in their units, weren’t so much into brains, Sludgeflinger served an alien slurry dish -- with a variety of waste containing dangerous chemicals, heavy metals, radiation, deadly pathogens and toxins -- that was literally “out of this world.”

“We couldn’t get enough of the stuff,” said Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces Gen. Gore S. Patton, Retired. “I’m a mutant, and on occasion even I’d have the brains. And I had zombies in some of my units that had the alien slurry. We didn’t care. We ate whatever they dumped on our tables. The Stage Roar Canteen had the worst entertainment, and the bad food made it that much more displeasing. It was a great time.”

Other menu items included:

-Alien Whiz Soup (so bad you can taste it)
-Glowing Green Salad (best with the lights out)
-Black Iron-Seared Liver and Lungs (onions optional)
-House Spaghetti (brains passed off as pasta)
-Shepherd’s Pie (with real shepherds)

Today, many years after the alien invasions, the Stage Roar Canteen serves these same dishes as a way to remember the bad ol’ days of fine war and nasty, lethal meals. The folks at the Canteen also present the best in big band performances of the day, with low-class acts from Goon Miller and his band, Benny Badman, Artie Ahhh! and Alien “Puke” Ellington. On occasion, you’ll see monsters still dancing the Lindy Flop, the Critterbug and the Balboa Constrictor.

To make reservations at the Canteen, simply go to the nearest Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces recruiter and enlist.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Old MacDonald’s Farm once a hot spot for UFO crashes

By Grover Mill
Contributor to the JLP

UFO SPRINGS -- At one time, Old MacDonald’s Farm was the No. 1 site for UFO landings in any world, if you want to call what they did “landings.”

Before that, corn, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, squash and other produce grew there for decades under the stewardship of longtime farmer Old MacDonald. The old man also had chicks, ducks, turkeys, pigs, cows, cats, mules, dogs and a turtle that actually went nerp, nerp until the late 1940s/early 1950s when UFOs began making contact with his property.

“The first encounter on that really starry night really scarred up my land, taking with it a lot of my crops,” MacDonald said. “I’ll admit I was more than t’ed off in the beginning, but then happily surprised with what I eventually discovered.”

Turns out, the saucers that were crash landing, hovering over and abducting the animals there were, in effect, mutating the farm life.

“You have no idea what them there space critters were doing for my business,” MacDonald said. “All of a sudden, monsters, gremlins, zombies and the like had appetites for my produce, which now glowed green. And my animals were fun to be around with their glowing personalities. No more was there a quack, quack here and chick, chick there. I don’t even know what sounds were comin’ out their faces, but they sure well scared away them werewolves and made them that much more fun at parties and monster get-togethers.”

UFOs continued to decimate MacDonald’s Farm over the years, and business kept booming. Alien crafts wiped out portions of the barn, scarred the ground permanently and contaminated the grounds with a menu of radioactive isotopes and toxic chemicals. But extraterrestrials stopped crashing and abducting animals there back in 2010, causing the worst radiation drought the area has seen.

“My crops and animals are dependent upon that toxic waste,” MacDonald said at the time. “If we don’t have some encounters here and but soon, we’ll cease to be a relevant source of terror around these parts.”

In early 2017, a wave of alien saucers flew off course and royally smacked down onto MacDonald’s farm, causing not only a fire in the sky, but one that torched MacDonald’s farm house. It was a welcome relief, to the point where MacDonald said he felt the drought was over.

“Seven years is a long time for no radiation,” said Jordy Verrill in response. Verrill, who’s an expert on the subject, added, “Heck, most of the crops and animals have gone back to being safe. I’d say MacDonald needs a lot more radiation on his farm from saucers before he can start feeling at ease.”

Regardless of the dangers at the site, Old MacDonald’s Farm continues to be a fun place to visit. While the “Caution: Radiation Area” tape has long since been removed, guests will still be able to take walking tours through the old barn, which could collapse at any time (if you’re lucky), play in ground scars made by downed UFOs (the ones with standing water where swimming is allowed may or may not continue to be bio-hazardous) and climb aboard crashed saucers with extraterrestrial bodies to dissect (if there’s anything left of them by the time you get there).

To plan your exciting visit, go to OldMacDonaldHadAnAlienFarm.mon.

Monday, October 16, 2017

UFO Springs sandwich shop erupts into Armageddon when demons take too long to order salad for Satan

By Tak Metoyorleedr
Staff Unidentifieds Writer

UFO SPRINGS -- Some demons on their way through town yesterday swung by the Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop in Podtown and began flinging flames at the extraterrestrials behind the counter and in line when they didn’t receive the customer service they felt they deserved.

After a weekend of partying at a blues festival in the Black Lagoon, where the popular Spooks of Dixieland cancelled their act due to one of the members coming down with a cold, the demons reportedly came into the place with three-pronged forks to grind.

“They were mean right when they came through the door,” said a reptiloid eating in the restaurant at the time the demons arrived. “It wasn’t the normal meanness you’d expect from a demon. It was something else. They were just inconsiderate buttholes.”

According to a number of patrons, the evil beasts tracked soot into the establishment when they came in, they snatched up more than their fair share of napkins -- not leaving much left for anyone else -- they melted the condiment table, and they were rude to the humanoid taking their orders behind the counter.

“They came in all entitled or something, like we all owed them something because they paid to see the Spooks of Dixieland over the weekend and didn’t get to see them and didn’t get a refund either,” said the humanoid behind the counter, who wishes to remain the anonymous human she was replicating at the time this all went down. “They weren’t ready to order, they held up the line, and then they wanted all these special substitutions.”

One customer caught most of the ordeal in a recording on his phone.

In the video, the demons are seen coming into the sandwich shop in a hurry. Then they cut in line, only to stop to figure out what they’re going to order. The lead demon takes out his smartphone and speaks into it:

“Hey, Siri, call Satan . . . Yo, Sate, we’re picking up salads. Want anything? . . . Uh huh . . . Italian chopped . . . Fat-free dressing . . . OK. Extra onion . . . No garbanzo beans . . . Add sprouts instead . . . K. Anything to drink? . . . Diet Dr. Pepper with no ice . . . Got it. See you in ten . . . Huh? . . . Yeah, it kinda sucked. Spooks of Dixieland cancelled . . . No, we’re in line now . . . They can wait, we’re regular customers here, so we’re good for it . . . Ha ha. Yeah . . .”

The call goes on for another five minutes before the demon hangs up and finishes his order, which includes a bunch of complicated substitutions and ridiculous special “off-the-menu” requests. Then their salads come out and one of the demons notices that they don’t have deviled eggs in them. That’s when, in the video, all hell breaks loose.

The recording ended there. But eyewitnesses said the lead demon complained to the employee that took the order, claiming he specifically asked for deviled eggs, even though everyone else stated no such request was made. The demon demanded to speak to the employee’s supervisor, threatening to contact corporate about her horrible customer service, and kept repeating how he and his demon pals were regular customers “since forever” and deserved respect.

The employee’s supervisor came out and asked the demon clan what had happened.

“What happened is your employee is calling me a liar,” the lead demon reportedly said. “I asked for deviled eggs on all our salads, and none of us got a one. And your employee here is calling me a liar, saying I never asked for deviled eggs like I said I did. Hasn’t she ever heard of ‘The customer is always right’?”

“We don’t go in for that policy here,” the supervisor said. “What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. And just because you’re an idiot and forgot to order deviled eggs doesn’t mean you have to get all stupid.”

“We’re demons,” the demon said. “Of course we want deviled eggs.”

“And we’re aliens,” the supervisor said. “Just because we can read your minds, doesn’t mean we’re gonna give you what you’re thinking you want. We go by what you actually order.”

“You know what?” the lead demon said. “Now I want all these salads on the house. Take me to your leader.”

“That’s my line,” the supervisor replied. “I’m supposed to be the one asking to be taken to your leader.”

After a few more minutes of arguing, the supervisor decided to simply melt the demon’s mind with her thoughts.

The other demons got real defensive and began lighting the place on fire with their fingers. The small eatery went into flames, causing a s’mores eruption as the marshmallow-like aliens in the restaurant caught fire, proving once and for all that their skin does, in fact, consist of a soft sugary substance.

Before the demons could get away with their salads without paying, the store’s loss prevention employee, a xenomorph queen, caught them at the door and opened up a can of whoop ass on them.

The demons were later abducted by other aliens out front and detained for questioning in a UFO, only to be bailed out by Satan an hour later.

According to representative of Satan, the fallen angel is embarrassed for the way his underlings behaved and allegedly apologized for all demonkind. The representative then begged to let his boss pay for damages to the store and promised to punish the demon clan as only Satan can punish those who deserve it.

The Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop will be back open for business in two weeks. Until then, you can satisfy your sandwich and salad needs over at Little Green Men’s Leafy Greens Stand down the street.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Jason adds Valley of Doom to Friday the 13th farewell tour

By Mac Hete
Staff Home Slice Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- It wouldn’t be a trip to the desert without a visit to the center of the desert.

Several uninhabited barren spots in the Valley of Doom are only a few Transyl-vein-ia landmarks that slasher psycho Jason will stop by during his Friday the 13th farewell tour.

“He’ll be talking to fans and signing autographs,” said his mother and agent, Pamela. “And then he’ll be done forever. The end, the final chapter, he goes to Hell for good . . . He will die! But don’t worry -- he’ll be back in another, even more final farewell tour next Friday the 13th for a new beginning. He will live again!”

Other spots on Jason’s tour include Quicksand Ranch, Motel 666 on Hell’s Highway, The Oasis in Tombtown and the Monster Mountain Mine on Monster Mesa. He’ll also stop by other landmarks outside of the Valley of Doom. For a detailed tour list of landmarks in Transyl-vein-ia, go to Jason’s official tour site at CutAboveTheRest.mon.

If you plan on seeing Jason, be advised: the famous slasher psycho will not be signing DVDs or hockey masks. He’ll be signing limbs only. And he’ll be signing them with his steel imported Gerber Gator machete wielding a 15-inch blade on one side and an 18-inch high performance saw blade on the other. Be prepared to run. He likes the chase.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Fat Jack wants to see you

By Skinny Ginny
Staff Fat & Skinny Things Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- The infamous slasher psycho Fat Jack doesn’t like to leave Fat Jack Manor off Hell’s Highway. He likes his food to come to him.

But motorists haven’t been breaking down in front of his place lately, needing his help with a tire iron or a landline because there’s no cell service in his parts of the Valley. Salesmonsters aren’t knocking on his door anymore and detectives have left the old place alone since it’s been quiet for quite some time. We didn’t even bother taking a trip out to the manor to interview him for this story.

“Please, someone just stop by for a bite,” the fat man told us over the phone. “I’ve got Twinkies, Little Debbie Cakes and an aged hunk of human cadaver I’ve been saving for just the right occasion.”

It’s times like these that force Jack to take to the streets in search of something different for his taste palette.

“There’s only so much cake and sugar a carnivore like me can stand,” the ballooning crazed killer said. “Last year, there was this group of punk kids meddling around in my house, breaking stuff, carving their names in my walls and such, and I was in one of my food comas, unable to get up. They found me, threw a bunch of trash at me, kicked my stomach, called me a fat ass. You know how much I hate being called fat. It does something to me. But I never was able to catch up with them. Maybe it’s time to don the ol’ warpath cloak, fire up the Fat Jack mobile, find those fools and carve me up some jackass wings.”

We spoke to FJ last week for this story and, as of last night, he still hadn’t made it out of his living room, according to some images from one of our satellites, which can actually spot his large body mass from space. We’re thinking he’s going to hold off on his mission to “Jack” up those vandals until after October 31.

“Halloween is my favorite holiday,” he said. “It’s when trick-or-treaters come right to my door. Except the trick every time is that the treat is always mine.”

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Chupacabra dish is for suckers

By Capa Chubra
Staff Strange Breeds Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- It’s more than a tasty meal. 

Chupacabra dishes in these parts are always desired, especially since some travel miles of the desert  with no food or water, and are in need of nourishment.

If you’re in the Valley of Doom, here’s all you need to prepare a chupacabra meal that you’ll scream for.

INGREDIENTS:
We’ll get to this shortly.

DIRECTIONS:
Go to an open area in Chupacabra Village.

You’ll need something to contain the catch. Dig a six-foot-deep bowl in the ground. Then coat the hole with barbecue sauce (blood works, too).

Gather as much dead wood and dry woody debris as possible, and stack it in a big pile near your hole. Light the pile on fire. (This will signal an army of those goatsuckers.)

Take off your clothes and climb into the hole.

HERE ARE THOSE INGREDIENTS WE SAID WE GET TO:
You’re it!

Chupacabra will be there shortly to enjoy the dish. Didn't we tell you that you’d scream for it?