Staff Armed, Legged,
Winged and Finned Forces Writer
UFO SPRINGS -- Dracula
served the drinks, Frankenstein’s Monster and The Bride provided the electric
atmosphere, the Invisible Man told the jokes, and Klaris the Mummy crooned with
his Klarisketeers. The place is the Stage Roar Canteen over the hill from Old
MacDonald’s Farm near one of the first ever saucer landing sites at Area 13 in
UFO Springs, and at one time, Transyl-vein-ia’s biggest stars served zombies
and mutants of Transyl-vein-ia’s Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces headed
off to war against alien invaders.
enjoyed war, but sometimes they needed a break from battle. And so the Stage
Roar Canteen offered a welcome opportunity to discover all new anxieties.
food alone was a terror,” said Chef Army Sludgeflinger. “A zombie typically
eats one thing -- brains. But brains could be found anywhere on the
battlefield. That’s why we in the Canteen kitchen had to provide something a
little different, you know, to show how much we appreciated the efforts of the
war, zombie G.I.s feasted on brains contaminated with dirt, UFO fuels, shrapnel
and other foreign objects, therefore, Chef Sludgeflinger and his cooking staff
concocted new brain recipes to include rare poisons, mold and spores on top of
the other pollutants.
the mutant G.I.s who, unlike the zombies in their units, weren’t so much into
brains, Sludgeflinger served an alien slurry dish -- with a variety of waste
containing dangerous chemicals, heavy metals, radiation, deadly pathogens and
toxins -- that was literally “out of this world.”
couldn’t get enough of the stuff,” said Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces
Gen. Gore S. Patton, Retired. “I’m a mutant, and on occasion even I’d have the
brains. And I had zombies in some of my units that had the alien slurry. We
didn’t care. We ate whatever they dumped on our tables. The Stage Roar Canteen
had the worst entertainment, and the bad food made it that much more
displeasing. It was a great time.”
menu items included:
Whiz Soup (so bad you can taste it)
Green Salad (best with the lights out)
Iron-Seared Liver and Lungs (onions optional)
Spaghetti (brains passed off as pasta)
Pie (with real shepherds)
many years after the alien invasions, the Stage Roar Canteen serves these same
dishes as a way to remember the bad ol’ days of fine war and nasty, lethal
meals. The folks at the Canteen also present the best in big band performances
of the day, with low-class acts from Goon Miller and his band, Benny Badman,
Artie Ahhh! and Alien “Puke”
Ellington. On occasion, you’ll see monsters still dancing the Lindy Flop, the
Critterbug and the Balboa Constrictor.
To make reservations
at the Canteen, simply go to the nearest Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned
Forces recruiter and enlist.
SPRINGS -- At one time, Old MacDonald’s Farm was the No. 1 site for UFO
landings in any world, if you want to call what they did “landings.”
that, corn, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, squash and other produce grew there for
decades under the stewardship of longtime farmer Old MacDonald. The old man
also had chicks, ducks, turkeys, pigs, cows, cats, mules, dogs and a turtle
that actually went nerp, nerp until
the late 1940s/early 1950s when UFOs began making contact with his property.
first encounter on that really starry night really scarred up my land, taking
with it a lot of my crops,” MacDonald said. “I’ll admit I was more than t’ed
off in the beginning, but then happily surprised with what I eventually
out, the saucers that were crash landing, hovering over and abducting the
animals there were, in effect, mutating the farm life.
have no idea what them there space critters were doing for my business,”
MacDonald said. “All of a sudden, monsters, gremlins, zombies and the like had
appetites for my produce, which now glowed green. And my animals were fun to be
around with their glowing personalities. No more was there a quack, quack here and chick, chick there. I don’t even know
what sounds were comin’ out their faces, but they sure well scared away them
werewolves and made them that much more fun at parties and monster get-togethers.”
continued to decimate MacDonald’s Farm over the years, and business kept
booming. Alien crafts wiped out portions of the barn, scarred the ground
permanently and contaminated the grounds with a menu of radioactive isotopes
and toxic chemicals. But extraterrestrials stopped crashing and abducting
animals there back in 2010, causing the worst radiation drought the area has
crops and animals are dependent upon that toxic waste,” MacDonald said at the
time. “If we don’t have some encounters here and but soon, we’ll cease to be a
relevant source of terror around these parts.”
early 2017, a wave of alien saucers flew off course and royally smacked down
onto MacDonald’s farm, causing not only a fire in the sky, but one that torched
MacDonald’s farm house. It was a welcome relief, to the point where MacDonald
said he felt the drought was over.
years is a long time for no radiation,” said Jordy Verrill in response.
Verrill, who’s an expert on the subject, added, “Heck, most of the crops and
animals have gone back to being safe. I’d say MacDonald needs a lot more
radiation on his farm from saucers before he can start feeling at ease.”
of the dangers at the site, Old MacDonald’s Farm continues to be a fun place to
visit. While the “Caution: Radiation Area” tape has long since been removed,
guests will still be able to take walking tours through the old barn, which
could collapse at any time (if you’re lucky), play in ground scars made by
downed UFOs (the ones with standing water where swimming is allowed may or may
not continue to be bio-hazardous) and climb aboard crashed saucers with
extraterrestrial bodies to dissect (if there’s anything left of them by the
time you get there).
plan your exciting visit, go to OldMacDonaldHadAnAlienFarm.mon.
SPRINGS -- Some demons on their way through town yesterday swung by the Crop Stop
Sandwich and Salad Shop in Podtown and began flinging flames at the
extraterrestrials behind the counter and in line when they didn’t receive the
customer service they felt they deserved.
a weekend of partying at a blues festival in the Black Lagoon, where the
popular Spooks of Dixieland cancelled their act due to one of the members
coming down with a cold, the demons reportedly came into the place with three-pronged
forks to grind.
were mean right when they came through the door,” said a reptiloid eating in
the restaurant at the time the demons arrived. “It wasn’t the normal meanness
you’d expect from a demon. It was something else. They were just inconsiderate
to a number of patrons, the evil beasts tracked soot into the establishment
when they came in, they snatched up more than their fair share of napkins -- not
leaving much left for anyone else -- they melted the condiment table, and they were
rude to the humanoid taking their orders behind the counter.
came in all entitled or something, like we all owed them something because they
paid to see the Spooks of Dixieland over the weekend and didn’t get to see them
and didn’t get a refund either,” said the humanoid behind the counter, who
wishes to remain the anonymous human she was replicating at the time this all
went down. “They weren’t ready to order, they held up the line, and then they
wanted all these special substitutions.”
customer caught most of the ordeal in a recording on his phone.
the video, the demons are seen coming into the sandwich shop in a hurry. Then
they cut in line, only to stop to figure out what they’re going to order. The
lead demon takes out his smartphone and speaks into it:
Siri, call Satan . . . Yo, Sate, we’re picking up salads. Want anything? . . .
Uh huh . . . Italian chopped . . . Fat-free dressing . . . OK. Extra onion . .
. No garbanzo beans . . . Add sprouts instead . . . K. Anything to drink? . . .
Diet Dr. Pepper with no ice . . . Got it. See you in ten . . . Huh? . . . Yeah,
it kinda sucked. Spooks of Dixieland cancelled . . . No, we’re in line now . .
. They can wait, we’re regular customers here, so we’re good for it . . . Ha
ha. Yeah . . .”
call goes on for another five minutes before the demon hangs up and finishes
his order, which includes a bunch of complicated substitutions and ridiculous
special “off-the-menu” requests. Then their salads come out and one of the
demons notices that they don’t have deviled eggs in them. That’s when, in the
video, all hell breaks loose.
recording ended there. But eyewitnesses said the lead demon complained to the
employee that took the order, claiming he specifically asked for deviled eggs,
even though everyone else stated no such request was made. The demon demanded
to speak to the employee’s supervisor, threatening to contact corporate about
her horrible customer service, and kept repeating how he and his demon pals were
regular customers “since forever” and deserved respect.
employee’s supervisor came out and asked the demon clan what had happened.
happened is your employee is calling me a liar,” the lead demon reportedly said.
“I asked for deviled eggs on all our salads, and none of us got a one. And your
employee here is calling me a liar, saying I never asked for deviled eggs like
I said I did. Hasn’t she ever heard of ‘The customer is always right’?”
don’t go in for that policy here,” the supervisor said. “What’s right is right
and what’s wrong is wrong. And just because you’re an idiot and forgot to order
deviled eggs doesn’t mean you have to get all stupid.”
demons,” the demon said. “Of course we want deviled eggs.”
we’re aliens,” the supervisor said. “Just because we can read your minds,
doesn’t mean we’re gonna give you what you’re thinking you want. We go by what
you actually order.”
know what?” the lead demon said. “Now I want all these salads on the house.
Take me to your leader.”
my line,” the supervisor replied. “I’m supposed to be the one asking to be
taken to your leader.”
a few more minutes of arguing, the supervisor decided to simply melt the
demon’s mind with her thoughts.
other demons got real defensive and began lighting the place on fire with their
fingers. The small eatery went into flames, causing a s’mores eruption as the
marshmallow-like aliens in the restaurant caught fire, proving once and for all
that their skin does, in fact, consist of a soft sugary substance.
the demons could get away with their salads without paying, the store’s loss
prevention employee, a xenomorph queen, caught them at the door and opened up a
can of whoop ass on them.
demons were later abducted by other aliens out front and detained for
questioning in a UFO, only to be bailed out by Satan an hour later.
to representative of Satan, the fallen angel is embarrassed for the way his
underlings behaved and allegedly apologized for all demonkind. The
representative then begged to let his boss pay for damages to the store and
promised to punish the demon clan as only Satan can punish those who deserve
Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop will be back open for business in two weeks.
Until then, you can satisfy your sandwich and salad needs over at Little Green
Men’s Leafy Greens Stand down the street.
OF DOOM -- It wouldn’t be a trip to the desert without a visit to the center of
uninhabited barren spots in the Valley of Doom are only a few Transyl-vein-ia
landmarks that slasher psycho Jason will stop by during his Friday the 13th
be talking to fans and signing autographs,” said his mother and agent, Pamela. “And
then he’ll be done forever. The end, the final chapter, he goes to Hell for
good . . . He will die! But don’t worry -- he’ll be back in another, even more
final farewell tour next Friday the 13th for a new beginning. He will live
spots on Jason’s tour include Quicksand Ranch, Motel 666 on Hell’s Highway, The
Oasis in Tombtown and the Monster Mountain Mine on Monster Mesa. He’ll also
stop by other landmarks outside of the Valley of Doom. For a detailed tour list
of landmarks in Transyl-vein-ia, go to Jason’s official tour site at
you plan on seeing Jason, be advised: the famous slasher psycho will not be
signing DVDs or hockey masks. He’ll be signing limbs only. And he’ll be signing
them with his steel imported Gerber Gator machete wielding a 15-inch blade on
one side and an 18-inch high performance saw blade on the other. Be prepared to
run. He likes the chase.
OF DOOM -- The infamous slasher psycho Fat Jack doesn’t like to leave Fat Jack
Manor off Hell’s Highway. He likes his food to come to him.
motorists haven’t been breaking down in front of his place lately, needing his
help with a tire iron or a landline because there’s no cell service in his
parts of the Valley. Salesmonsters aren’t knocking on his door anymore and
detectives have left the old place alone since it’s been quiet for quite some
time. We didn’t even bother taking a trip out to the manor to interview him for
someone just stop by for a bite,” the fat man told us over the phone. “I’ve got
Twinkies, Little Debbie Cakes and an aged hunk of human cadaver I’ve been
saving for just the right occasion.”
times like these that force Jack to take to the streets in search of something
different for his taste palette.
only so much cake and sugar a carnivore like me can stand,” the ballooning
crazed killer said. “Last year, there was this group of punk kids meddling
around in my house, breaking stuff, carving their names in my walls and such,
and I was in one of my food comas, unable to get up. They found me, threw a
bunch of trash at me, kicked my stomach, called me a fat ass. You know how much
I hate being called fat. It does something to me. But I never was able to catch
up with them. Maybe it’s time to don the ol’ warpath cloak, fire up the Fat
Jack mobile, find those fools and carve me up some jackass wings.”
spoke to FJ last week for this story and, as of last night, he still hadn’t
made it out of his living room, according to some images from one of our
satellites, which can actually spot his large body mass from space. We’re
thinking he’s going to hold off on his mission to “Jack” up those vandals until
after October 31.
is my favorite holiday,” he said. “It’s when trick-or-treaters come right to my
door. Except the trick every time is that the treat is always mine.”