Wednesday, September 19, 2018

'Transylveinya Traveler' book ties up JLP reporters

You might've noticed a lack of content here at lately. That's because our reporters are busy with  the upcoming travel guide to Transylveinya, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide For Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons and Mad Scientists, Too." In other works, the book has its claws all over our staff members, and they haven't been able to do much more than scream. More to come...

Monday, September 17, 2018

Thing booed off stage during impersonations act

SHADOW CITY -- A shape-shifting alien doing impersonations last night at the Thing-A-Ding-Ding Piano Bar was booed off the stage during an act where it did impressions of a sled dog and a group of American researchers. According to the crowd, The Thing was a sell-out, doing most of his work in CG. “No one does these routines with practical effects anymore,” said a stop-motion skeleton who walked out of the show after The Thing’s first imitation. “It was just way too sleek and just not there. It was like a cartoon. There’s just something more tactile when it’s actually there on the stage performing before an audience, even if it is a little jittery like me. I got my money back.” Once The Thing appeared to have left the room through a hole in the floor that was clearly not there, The Invisible Man was on next to perform his famous disappearing act.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Rays fired during flying saucer pursuit, alien arrested

UFO SPRINGS -- An alien is facing charges after a UFO chase with deputies through Podtown last night. At around 11 p.m., UFO Springs authorities got word of a 2017 XMYT-UR flying saucer spinning crop circles on Old McDonald’s Farm. Officer mutants caught up to the spacecraft shortly after the call and pursued it through the night, exchanging ray gun blasts intermittently. While crossing through Podtown at unheard of speeds (the speed of sound), the saucer lit up several human pods that were just about ready to hatch. “The pods came from a fresh batch of bodies we’d just snatched earlier in the evening,” said a Podtown official who wishes to have no name. “Yeah, we’re pressing charges.” The alien flying the saucer said he felt he was being profiled by authorities and demanded that someone step forward to give him legal assistance.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Witch tries to return Swiffer

WITCHES MEADOW -- A wicked witch created a scene this evening at her local big box store when she demanded a refund for the Swiffer Sweeper she bought over a year ago. According to the demon at the returns desk, the witch had claimed that the sweeping and mopping tool with its one-two cleaning punch didn’t do what she wanted it to do. “That guy at the counter told me all magical products had to be returned within 90 days of purchase,” the witch said. “Sure, it came with three wet mopping cloths and conformed to the surfaces of my floors, which is pretty magical, I have to admit, but there was no real magic in it. I tried flying it up, up and away at Take-Off Point and fell right off the edge of the cliff. In my mind, this thing is no magical product, and I deserve a refund, even if I bought it a year ago.” The demon still refused to refund the witch. After speaking with the store manager, the ol’ hag got more upset and asked what happened to the “customer is always right, even when they’re wrong” policy. Suffice to say, toads now run the store. In other words: The place is closed until further notice.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Zombie bite goes viral

SHADOW CITY -- A zombie infected someone with the zombie virus earlier this evening in the 600 block of Boogie Man’s Bend. Then the infected one infected another, the three of them infected more, the bites multiplied and multiplied. By press time, it had gone viral.