Friday, August 17, 2018

Werewolf ticked with his doctor

WEREWOLFTOWN -- A  werewolf was more than fired up with his doctor after going through a mess of side effects from medications he’d prescribed. During a recent transformation, John T. Wolf, only 32, noticed his fur coat was thinning, and so he went to a big city doctor in Downtown Transylveinya to see what was wrong. Doctor Q. Wack, according to Wolf, gave him a prescription, and within a few days, he was fully covered in werewolf hair, face and all. However, Wolf noticed several side effects, including dizziness, blood in his urine and a severe lack of appetite, which is no good in his line of work. “I didn’t even crave my prey each night,” the werewolf said. “One night on the moors I ate a few berries off trees. Try explaining that to your friends when they’re downing some poor helpless fellow. I had to go back to that doctor and get something else.” But an alternative medication had side effects as well, including shakiness and unsteady walk, chest pain, anxiety and bladder trouble. After going through two more medications with other unique side effects, Wolf finally lashed out at Dr. Wack, cutting him short of his co-pay and taking a big bite out of the incompetent fool, giving him the werewolf’s curse and the additional curse of thinning hair. When Wolf tried to push all those medications back on his doc, the medical professional told him he wouldn’t take that stuff if his own doctor prescribed them to him. So if you see two balding werewolves out on the town, please, do them a favor and tell them there’s a new supplement called Essential Gold Standard Platinum Pro X2000 Trans4m (not a drug) that works even better than all that medication. The only side effects are possible changes in kidney and liver functions, cold sweats, crying and loss of teeth. But those wolves will have healthy manes. (You have to have issues if you read this whole story.)

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Little devil having tough time getting her horns

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- A little devil is having a rough night on Dreadford Falls Avenue, the flipside to the Bedford Falls community in the human world (made famous in the 1946 film “It’s a Wonderful Life”). Dreadford Falls folks are stuck in a real measly, crummy old town, and it’s up to all the guardian devils to earn their horns by convincing residents to throw their afterlives away. “Teacher says, every time a group mourns, a devil gets his horns,” said a pesky little kid named Georgina, who’s full of hope and no doubts. Her guardian devil, Clarissa, is having no luck getting her to feel discouraged. She’s got the night to change Georgina’s mind. Or maybe she’ll give up and finish that Mark Twain book she’s been reading. Who needs horns anyway when you’ve got a spikey tail and pitchfork?

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Michael Meyers vows to make it home this year

HUMAN WORLD -- Infamous Halloween slasher psycho Michael Myers, who's pushing 61 years old, is still fuming from last year when, following his annual escape from the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium, the car he stole from the facility broke down, he couldn’t get it going, and he failed to hitch a ride into Haddonfield, IL. So he walked and walked and, even though he’s been stabbed, shot, burned, hit by speeding vehicles, shot again, clubbed with 2x4s and water pipes, shoved out of windows, pummeled by a van tumbling down a hill, decapitated, karate kicked out a second-story window, hung and electrocuted, his feet were killing and he was dead tired. That's when he took a nap in an old barn halfway to his destination, only to fall asleep and wake up to discover he’d missed Oct. 31. “This year,” Myers said, “I’m gonna make deeaaaamn sure the vehicle I steal is in good working order. I’ll just have to slip away during Monday Movie Night at the sanitarium a few days before my getaway and perform a little tune up on one of those station wagons they got in the garage, then I’ll set all the loons loose like I normally do the night before, grab the car, my Bill Shatner mask, and I’m on my way home.” Aside from being quite the surgeon with a butcher knife, Myers is also a known gearhead.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Mummies proud of all-mummy-run eatery

VALLEY OF DOOM -- Mummies everywhere are thrilled about the all-new mummy-founded, mummy-managed and mummy-operated eatery in Tombtown. The new establishment, which has been slow to get a name, is intended to not only prove others wrong about a common misconception of mummies, but to show the world that mummies are, in fact, kings, with the King Tut working as the friggin’ sous chef, yo. “We’re tired of all those pompous vampires, cocky werewolves and swaggering dimwitted man-made monsters getting all the attention,” said Queen Wut, a mummy hostess from the restaurant with an axe to grind. “They think they’re so wonderful. But for your information, we mummies have the finest food, the greatest curses, the most elite minds and, of course, the greatest and crustiest bods.” According to several patrons, however, the service in the new establishment sucks. One individual said the food took three hours to burn, and by the time the wait staff lurked from the kitchen to the table 20 minutes later, all the mold had fallen off the cuisine. Misconception? Stupid mummies. There’s no misconception. By the time that last remark even registers in those mummies’ slow brains and they do that slow mummy creep-walk over to anyone who’s gonna do anything about it, discrimination will be back in fashion. Those slowpokes will need three years just to read all the words in this here story.

Monday, August 13, 2018

The Red Devil sees all

HELL -- During a game of hide-and-go-seek in the lava-spewing south caverns of the Fire Caves, a naughty little boy caught the Red Devil peeking before reaching the count of 3. “You're a cheater,” the boy shouted as he unintentionally gave up his hiding spot. And so, on this 13th day of August, let it be known as fact: The Red Devil is not to be trusted.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Pres. Drac officially changes spelling of monster world name

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- Those of you weirdoes out there who read this online rag on a regular basis and those who live in the monster world might’ve noticed a change in the way the name of the region has been spelled as of late. That’s because President Count Dracula changed it from “Transyl-vein-ia” to “Transylveinya,” and now it's official, despite the fact that the bloodsucker despises change. He hates when policies change, when seasons change, when night changes to day. He won’t even change his underwear. “I like regularity, patterns, the status quo and consistency,” Dracula said. “When things change, I get annoyed, inconvenienced and, let's face it, pretty heated. Unless, of course, I’m the one doing the changing. Then I’m fine with change." Drac changed the name last night. From this point on, it'll be spelled the way he likes it, even in the upcoming travel guide to the monster universe, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons...And Mad Scientists, Too." Look for that guide in October wherever books are sold.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

New production of ‘A Halloween Hymn’ coming to Young Fronkenshteen Theatre

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- The Young Fronkenshteen Theatre just announced its next play, a new production of “A Halloween Hymn” by Scarles Nickens (a real cut-up). The classic hymn in prose is a ghost story of Halloween, following the smiling, hugging, loving, caring, charitable old saint, Ebenezer Stooge, who, unlike the rest of the town awaiting Halloween, is more interested in the joyful arrival of Christmas, which, to him, is all a humdinger. “Humdinger!” he exclaims, until he encounters the ghost of his late business partner, who warns that three ghouls will visit him on the night before Halloween. The spirits take Stooge on a journey of All Hallow’s Eve past, present and future in the hope of transforming his joyfulness into good Halloween evil. “The scares will be there,” said the Ghost of Orson Welles, who directed the play. “But we had fun exploring the light side of monsterity. The Ghost of Lionel Barrymore plays Stooge, and he had a blast portraying good, noble and downright frolicsome and fun lovin’. We just hope nobody gets offended.” Hark how the bells, Sweet funeral bells, All seem to say, Give scares away...Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Halloween! “A Halloween Hymn” opens Sept. 1.