Monday, August 3, 2015

Goblin to file grievance, says kid he’s trying to lure outside to scarenever comes out to play

By Al “Things” Green
Staff Night Creatures Writer

A longtime goblin of Transyl-vein-ia Pines will file a grievance against the All-Nite Goblins Agency this week for an unjustifiable dismissal.

J.P. Hobbs, 132 years old, had haunted a neighborhood in a small Idaho town for over 100 years before being relieved of his duties last Friday. He said work conditions of late had made it impossible to perform at a competent level.

“They expected me to sit out in a tree 100 yards from my target and beg for this kid to come out of his house and play,” Hobbs said, “but he never even came to the window. In the old days, we could at least put in overtime and wait for morning when the kiddies would come out for school. Now there’s no O.T. because corporate is always saying we have to cut payroll.”

Hobbs said he was working 10 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. shifts and that there was no real chance to lure his target out of his cozy home during such hours.

“I have to sit there and watch the vampires and ghouls fly into houses nearby and get easy scares,” Hobbs said. “It’s totally unfair. And they’re real jerks about it, too, especially all the Draculas. They suck.”

The All-Nite Goblins Agency refused to comment for this story, but Hobbs claims his superiors let him go because he failed to meet a new quota they set during the meeting they held to give him the boot.

“I’m not 80 anymore, I can’t just sit in a rickety old tree all night,” Hobbs said. “Some trees aren’t even conducive to sitting. I’d like to see upper management sit in the one I had. At least give me some pants so I don’t have to pick splinters out of my butt the following day. Of course, if I wore pants they’d write me up for not conforming to the dress code.”

According to Goblin Bill, who had worked with Hobbs for the last 20 years, Hobbs was getting lazy.

“He had no hook, no style,” Goblin Bill said, “and he really didn’t care to invent anymore. There was no mystery to his pitch. You have to speak softly to the kids, offer a little intrigue. I have no problem making my numbers.”

“Goblin Bill sits in a tree right under a kid’s bedroom window,” Hobbs said. “And he got that location because he kisses major senior goblin butt. Let’s switch targets and see if speaking softly works from a football field away.”

Hobbs said he thinks the grievance he’s filing should get him his job back.

“If it doesn’t,” he told us, “I’m gonna have to start kissing major senior goblin butt, in which case, maybe you should hold off running this story.”

No comments:

Post a Comment