Friday, August 28, 2015

Transyl-vein-ia election heats up, candidates to stalk it out

By Werewolf Blitzer
Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential race is heating up, and candidates are literally fighting each other tooth, nail and machete as they head into next week’s debates.

Creatures from all walks and crawls of life and non-life are vying for the coveted President’s throne in 2016.

“I’d say it’s a pretty close race and anyone or anything can win at this point,” said Giant Ant, an enormous insect covering the election. Ant is accustomed to complex social structures, as he’s covered many ant colony queen elections, and he said this race, thus far, is the hairiest (and scariest) he's seen.

From a werewolf and a vampire, a monster created in a lab and a slasher psycho, to a sea creature and a few goblins, this race, Ant said, comes with a wide range of viewpoints.

Count Dracula wants more blood banks. He claims it’s a must and said the entire vampire community supports him completely.

Sea Creature is out to solve the pollution shortage in our water, which he says is only getting worse.

Jason, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho, has been very vocal about the need for more teens in the area. He suggested building additional campgrounds in the Transyl-vein-ia Creek area and busing in kids on a monthly basis.

Frankenstein’s Monster, on the other hand, says energy is more important.

“Without it,” the Monster said, “our handmade people simply can’t survive.”

Man things all over the monster world have criticized our current leader, the Electrified Creature, for abusing energy for his own good. Frankenstein’s Monster said he’d get it under control if he was president and he’d give more power to the common creature.

Female monsters of the night are pushing for Elvira to run, but she’s yet to release a statement in response. Sources said she might make a surprise announcement during next week’s debate. Candidates will certainly have something to say about the issues so close to her literally bleeding heart.

Other topics bound to come up during next week's discussion include the problems we face with humans crossing over from their dimension to ours.

“Our current leaders seem to think this intruding danger is going to go away by itself,” said Count Dracula. “Every day, humans are coming over with wooden stakes looking for my kind’s burial grounds. It’s getting to the point where we can’t get a good day’s rest anymore.”

Of the goblins to take part in next week’s debate, Goblin P. Monster is running on a strong platform. He says he wants do away with President Electrified Creature’s healthcare program.

“When have monsters ever gotten sick?” he told reporters yesterday during a press conference. “If you think about it, we all pretty much live forever. And if we did happen to die, when have we not come back to life to haunt again in some sequel?”

The first in a series of debates begins at midnight on Tues., Aug. 2. Catch all the gory action by tuning into CMN. The rest of the debate schedule will be posted on CMN’s spiderweb site following next week's presentation.

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