By The Lunchbox Ghost
Staff Out-To-Lunch Writer
For years, the Haunted Mansion has claimed to have 999 happy haunts. According to a recent audit, however, only 57 ghosts actually reside there.
The mansion’s membership manager, I.L. Beeseeinu, was fired yesterday for skewing numbers.
“He was a good guy,” said longtime mansion resident Madame Leota, the head in the crystal ball who’s been raising the dead since the mansion became haunted over four decades ago. “But I kinda figured he was fudging the numbers. The place has felt a lot quieter over the years and, I have to admit, it’s been tougher trying to awaken spirits wherever they dwell. There just aren’t that many around anymore.”
Auditors said they attribute the dwindling population to all the hitchhiking ghosts getting rides.
“People aren’t afraid of ghosts like they used to be,” said Al Wayscrutinizing, the lead auditor in the recent audit of the mansion. “They think the ghosts are cute and they actually want to take them home. So they pick ‘em up. And they’ve been picking ‘em up for years.”
Beeseeinu didn’t comment for this story because he hasn’t been seen since he was fired.
“He’s a ghost,” Leota said. “He hasn’t been seen because ghosts are invisible.”
Needless to say, the mansion is looking for a new membership manager who will not only post true membership numbers, but who will also boost membership. Those interested can apply at BringBackThe999.mon.