Thursday, September 3, 2015

If traveling this holiday weekend, plan for the best, hope for the worst

By Togo Ornottogo
Staff Trav-Hell Writer

Planning on traveling for the Labor Day weekend?

Don’t just pack up and go like the Frankensteins did for their honeymoon this weekend, leaving their castle totally closed off to the dangers that could otherwise come in. Authorities offer tips to help make your holiday vacation more terrifying.

“Burglars will stake out your house,” said Transyl-vein-ia P.D. Officer Sayf T. Lasst. “If you have the newspaper delivered to your home and you contact the subscription center and have it continue so it looks like you’re still there while you’re actually gone, monsters are going to think you are, in fact, still there and they’re not going to break in and you’re not going to have anything to be horrified about while gone or when you return . . . You’ve got to put a stop to all deliveries, whether it be the newspaper, the milk or body parts, and make these burglars realize you’re out of town. Then let the horrors begin!”

Blow out all candles, turn off all lab equipment, but leave the drawbridge down.

“The only reason we want you to leave drawbridges down,” Lasst said, “is to make your invaders think you were careless at the time you were leaving for your trip. Then they cross over to enter your home, and your pet moat monster gets to have some fun playing a game of ‘Life or Death?’ with them.”

You could have your neighbor park his or her or its hearse in your driveway, but then your castle would look occupied. Lasst stresses over and over and over again and again the importance of making your domicile look deserted.

When it comes time to leave for your trip, it’s good to count all members of your family, and then make sure you strategically forget the youngest member at home to add more tension to your trip and create great terror for the little one who you’ve left stranded.

“You never know what terrors will prey upon them while you’re gone,” said Al Waysforgetone of the TDMT (Transyl-vein-ia Department of Missing Things). “The horrors those little ones experience are always priceless.”

Good planning for your trips is important. According to Ben Gonawhile of the Worldwide Travel Terrors Travel Agency, many monsters planned trips to werewolf country, and then didn’t take into account the moon cycles. That’s cause for a very dull vacation.

“My wife and I planned a trip to the Cypresses Plantation in the bayou over the summer,” Gonawhile said, “and we made sure to schedule the visit during another one of Dr. Mark Sinclair’s botched experiments. By the time we got there, the whole place was swarming with these experiments gone wrong, which we call alligator people. It was fantastic, but with poor planning it would’ve been a bust. Stick around long enough, like we did at the Cypresses, and you might even get the chance to be exposed to something even more dangerous, like the deadly radiation that poisoned us.”

Plan what to pack and what not to pack.

“I knew a slasher psycho who was going away to summer camp and he packed all kinds of unnecessary knives, rope and even a chainsaw,” Gonawhile said. “There’s no need for that. Campgrounds these days are littered with all kinds of things that make for the cleverest ways of terrorizing teens who are up to no good. I’ve seen some slasher psychos make amazing use out of toaster ovens, gardening tools and even a tree swing.”

In the end, remember the purpose of your getaway -- it’s to have a terror-ific time. If your vacation turns out to be fun instead, don’t worry. Remember the saying, It’s nice to go traveling, but it’s so much nicer to come home to Van Helsing or a mad mob armed with fire in hopes of destroying you.

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