By The Puppet Master
Staff Cold & Fuzzy Things Writer
The Muppets, who are starring in an all-new TV series called “The Muppets,” which airs tonight on ABC, have deep roots in one of Transyl-vein-ia Hills’ more “plush” neighborhoods, Puppet Cove, and some of their old friends from back home are hoping they “break a frog leg.”
Monster puppets from Puppet Cove said they recall when the Muppets were just wee little ones and nobodies.
“I remember when they used to put on live shows down at the swamp,” said longtime Puppet Cove resident Sock Puppet. “We used to frognap Kermit from his lily pad and pretend we were gonna sell him to one of the witches up on Witch Mountain for a new stew. He’d get all bent out of shape . . . We had a good time.”
Muppet member Animal used to run with the werewolves back in those days.
“He never had to go through the whole transformation process,” said Teddy Morewolfthanbear, who still moonlights as a werewolf in Puppet Cove. “But, boy, did we have a good time on the prowl together. Animal and I used to love to rough up Kermit. Even then, Animal was fiddling around with the drums. Did you know I’m the one who got him started? Look where he is now.”
Friends and old neighbors wished the Muppets a ton of success with their new venture.
“I wanna give a big, snarling shout-out to Fozzy the Bear,” said Big Ugly Fluffy Foot who roams the south side of Puppet Cove. “I’m proud of who I am and to have been born and raised here in Puppet Cove. And maybe Fozzy would like to be called a bear these days, but he’ll always be another sasquatch to the rest of us. Deep down, he’s the same guy.”
Evidently, Miss Piggy also strayed from her birthright. She’s really an evil wild boar and her real name is Helga Swine.
“Helga started in with all that fancy pig stuff when she was first getting into show business,” said sister Olga. “She definitely wasn’t the prim and proper pig she makes herself out to be now.”
Yet the Muppets never forgot their roots. They just forgot to get show tickets for the old gang back home, according to Dr. Bunsen Cantaloupe (no relation to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets).
“I talked to Beaker over the weekend and wished him success on the new show,” Cantaloupe said. “Funny thing is he used to suffer and assist for me when he was just starting out in the suffering and assisting field. Anyway, he told me straight up that he forgot to get me a ticket for the show, and even though he had plenty of time to still get me a ticket, he just kept forgetting. I believe him.”
The Muppets weren’t available to comment for this story. They were too busy preparing for their new soon-to-be-a-hit show. But those still back in Puppet Cove are sure they’re not forgotten.
Several of them made numerous attempts to at least reach Kermit. Kermie sent word back saying he had too much on his lily pad to respond in frog, and directed those inquiring, especially Sock Puppet, to see his press agent, a witch who lives on Witch Mountain who would handle all such matters in a how-ya-like-me-now kind of fashion.