By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer
Bigfoot has about had it. For years there’s been an unspoken rule about keeping pets on leashes in Bigfoot National Park, and for years it’s been getting worse. The sasquatch for whom the park is named is tired of guests not having control of their animals.
New signs warn park visitors that it’s the law to keep pets on a leash. According to Bigfoot, however, the signs aren’t doing diddly-squat -- pet owners are still disobeying the law.
“I called the authorities to make reports,” ‘foot said, “but I was essentially ignored and laughed off the phone because they think leash laws are a waste of their time. No wonder pet owners don’t bother keeping their animals on leashes -- no one is going to do anything about it.”
The problem is worse than that.
“We have a few drinking fountains near the visitor centers,” ‘foot said. “Near many of these fountains we have complimentary water bowls for animals. So the other day I’m enjoying a DQ Blizzard on the patio when this wicked witch and her pet dragon lizard -- off its leash -- came wandering up. The animal didn’t go to the bowl like it should've done. No, it jumps up toward the drinking fountain. It wants to drink out of the drinking fountain like it's one of us. And the witch, who has no control of her animal, picks up her beast and lets it drink out of the drinking fountain. I’m just sitting there, watching this disgusting thing lick the fountain that we drink out of, and I can't even finish the rest of my Blizzard. I mean, I know I’m not the most kempt individual, but this was just gross.”
Bigfoot went to the top animal agency in the area to request more signage and real enforcement.
“We had no idea how bad the problem was until Bigfoot told us,” said park ranger Al Talwk. “You better believe we’re going to make sure pet owners keep their animals on leashes. It’s more of a safety issue with all the wild beings in the park.”
Days went by and pet owners continued to roam the park with pets off their leashes. And, according to Bigfoot, nothing was being done about it.
“Rules are rules,” ‘foot said. “So I just started eating any pet I saw off its leash.”
It’s been a couple weeks since Bigfoot began treating these unleashed animals like hors d’oeuvres. Those with animals are now aware of the danger and are not only keeping their pets on leashes, but they’re keeping them out of the park.
“The only problem is,” ‘foot said, “I’ve regrettably acquired quite the taste for these critters. Such is life.”