Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Dr. Jekyll introduces new and improved, longer-lasting maniac potion

By Heesa Kwakzalver
Staff Medi-kill Writer

Dr. Jekyll has just finished a new and improved potion in time for you to try on Halloween. The formula, Dr. Jekyll's Death Potion No. 17, is longer lasting than previous potions and gives those who consume it a much bigger boost of rage and insanity.

Monsters are already saying No. 17 contains the right ingredients in the right proportion to deliver the big bad, nasty "Mr. Hyde" demeanor that only a potion from Dr. Jekyll's lab can deliver.

“Will girls be screaming?” said Dr. Jekyll. “Yes. Will kids be running? Yes. Will grown men cry? Absolutely. This new formula packs a serious wallop. The good news is Death Potion No. 17 offers no health benefits whatsoever. In fact, the combination of chemicals is likely to do more harm than good. I’m thrilled about that.”

Some of the amazing side effects of No. 17 include elevated heart rates, hypertension, anxiety, headaches and interrupted sleep patterns. A recent study by Transyl-vein-ia University suggest even more exciting outcomes, such as severe heart palpitations, strokes and, for an added bonus, permanent insanity.

“Whenever I’m feeling too cheerful or content,” Jekyll said, “I take a couple sips of No. 17, and it transforms me into a raging lunatic, pushing me to turn everything and everyone upside down. Try it for yourself. You’ll be the pain of the party in no time.”

Dr. Jekyll’s Death Potion No. 17 is now available on the quack market.

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