Friday, October 30, 2015

Martians claim art makes attack look weak, leader adds that it's on like Donkey Kong tonight

By Warov Thawirlds
Staff Martians Writer

Martians are upset that their attack on Oct. 30, 1938, has been depicted as “weak” in paintings, books, movies and other popular culture. The inhabitants of Mars are growing tired of the light treatment their attack has been given and they’re planning a new, much bigger, much wickeder attack this evening that will make 1938’s invasion look like Sesame Street.

Still, when the Martians attacked Earth in 1938, it was way more epic, they said.

“If only they had iPhones back then,” said Martian leader Zirk. “You would’ve seen some serious end-of-the-world stuff. There’s a great painting out there of our attack on Grovers Mill. Beautifully done. But we look like a bunch of sissies in that piece of work. You bet I’m mad about it. It hurts our rep in the Universe.”

Zirk said tonight the Martians are coming back to Earth with a vengeance. And Matt Damon won’t be there.

“That movie is pure fiction,” Zirk told reporters yesterday. “They show Matt Damon as the only living thing on Mars. Gimmie a break. That was a soundstage on a Hollywood backlot. I invite Earthlings to come to Mars for reals and see what happens.”

Zirk took back his invitation when we asked how anyone from Earth could go if they’re all defeated from tonight’s attack.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “We’re gonna attack big time this time. October 30, 2015, is gonna be a day for the Universe to remember. It’s gonna be on like Donkey Kong.”

Radio reports of the 1938 invasion can be heard right HERE. After taking a listen, be sure to get underground or go somewhere safe. The Martians are coming!

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