Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Test results indicate that our next generation of monsters won't be ready for Halloweens to come

By Lur Ningtoomuch
Staff Ghoul School Writer

Ghoul schools aren’t what they used to be.

According to a recent report, scare test scores are at an all-time low and more and more of our monster institutions are being taken over by charters.

“It’s getting to the point where we won’t be able to send up good monsters for the Halloweens to come,” said Count Dracula, who’s running for Transyl-vein-ia President in 2016. “These little furry things we’re turning out year after year are like puppies. Where are tomorrow’s nightmares going to come from? We’re going to have to start looking at other planets if we don’t get back to delivering the bads. I certainly don't want to just throw money at the problem. I don't want to drain my fellow monsters' pocketbooks. I want to drain their blood.”

The ghoul schools in South Transyl-vein-ia are a big concern, with several in the bottom 5 percent of the world. Three charter school operators will take over the worst of the sites.

“The monsters at these schools are up to no no-good,” said Eyelf Ixit, Monster Charter Chair. “They’re sweet, caring, smart . . . It’s awful. Very few students are being sent to the principal’s office for mischief or unruly conduct anymore -- not even the werewolves. What we hope to do when we take over these three campuses in the winter is start turning out evil, awful monsters again. We're going to make South Transyl-vein-ia home of the scariest monsters again. You can count on it.”

Dracula told reporters that he’s in favor of the charter takeover in South Transyl-vein-ia so that the number of disturbances can start to rise again, but he doesn’t want the growing charter trend to continue.

“We need our schools to rise to the occasion," he said. "We want to show these over-achieving sites that, if they want to stay in business, they better stop providing good educations and start providing bad ones. They’ve got to focus on scarier results or they, too, are in danger of charter takeover. When I become president in 2016, my first priority will be to get more blood banks in Transyl-vein-ia. Then I’ll work on the future of our monster nation. I assure you, Halloween in the years to come will be just fine, so long as you vote for Drac in ‘16.”

Sources said this year’s Halloween should still be pretty scary. But trick-or-treat warriors are becoming more and more brave. It won’t be long before the monster status quo is a no-go.

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