Saturday, October 31, 2015

The clock is ticking, it's almost time


It’s almost time, fellow monsters. The clock is ticking. Kids will be in front of their TV sets for the Horrorthon, and they'll remain there for the Big Giveaway at 9. Don’t miss it. Our TV commercials HERE with the flashing jack-o'-lanterns have reminded kids to wear their masks. Be prepared to scare. The clock is ticking. It’s almost time.

It's been a great Halloween season. Let's end it with a bang! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, from Jack-o'-Lantern Press.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Martians claim art makes attack look weak, leader adds that it's on like Donkey Kong tonight

By Warov Thawirlds
Staff Martians Writer

Martians are upset that their attack on Oct. 30, 1938, has been depicted as “weak” in paintings, books, movies and other popular culture. The inhabitants of Mars are growing tired of the light treatment their attack has been given and they’re planning a new, much bigger, much wickeder attack this evening that will make 1938’s invasion look like Sesame Street.

Still, when the Martians attacked Earth in 1938, it was way more epic, they said.

“If only they had iPhones back then,” said Martian leader Zirk. “You would’ve seen some serious end-of-the-world stuff. There’s a great painting out there of our attack on Grovers Mill. Beautifully done. But we look like a bunch of sissies in that piece of work. You bet I’m mad about it. It hurts our rep in the Universe.”

Zirk said tonight the Martians are coming back to Earth with a vengeance. And Matt Damon won’t be there.

“That movie is pure fiction,” Zirk told reporters yesterday. “They show Matt Damon as the only living thing on Mars. Gimmie a break. That was a soundstage on a Hollywood backlot. I invite Earthlings to come to Mars for reals and see what happens.”

Zirk took back his invitation when we asked how anyone from Earth could go if they’re all defeated from tonight’s attack.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “We’re gonna attack big time this time. October 30, 2015, is gonna be a day for the Universe to remember. It’s gonna be on like Donkey Kong.”

Radio reports of the 1938 invasion can be heard right HERE. After taking a listen, be sure to get underground or go somewhere safe. The Martians are coming!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Birds gather before Halloween attack

Birds are already coming together to prepare for their big Halloween attack this year. Early this morning, a large group of winged predators met at a school playground in Bodega Bay, CA, to chirp about how they plan to gather in heavy trick-or-treat areas and simply watch kids to add to the intimidation factor. Sources said the attacks should come later in the evening in swift dives from high altitudes.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Dr. Jekyll introduces new and improved, longer-lasting maniac potion

By Heesa Kwakzalver
Staff Medi-kill Writer

Dr. Jekyll has just finished a new and improved potion in time for you to try on Halloween. The formula, Dr. Jekyll's Death Potion No. 17, is longer lasting than previous potions and gives those who consume it a much bigger boost of rage and insanity.

Monsters are already saying No. 17 contains the right ingredients in the right proportion to deliver the big bad, nasty "Mr. Hyde" demeanor that only a potion from Dr. Jekyll's lab can deliver.

“Will girls be screaming?” said Dr. Jekyll. “Yes. Will kids be running? Yes. Will grown men cry? Absolutely. This new formula packs a serious wallop. The good news is Death Potion No. 17 offers no health benefits whatsoever. In fact, the combination of chemicals is likely to do more harm than good. I’m thrilled about that.”

Some of the amazing side effects of No. 17 include elevated heart rates, hypertension, anxiety, headaches and interrupted sleep patterns. A recent study by Transyl-vein-ia University suggest even more exciting outcomes, such as severe heart palpitations, strokes and, for an added bonus, permanent insanity.

“Whenever I’m feeling too cheerful or content,” Jekyll said, “I take a couple sips of No. 17, and it transforms me into a raging lunatic, pushing me to turn everything and everyone upside down. Try it for yourself. You’ll be the pain of the party in no time.”

Dr. Jekyll’s Death Potion No. 17 is now available on the quack market.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Test results indicate that our next generation of monsters won't be ready for Halloweens to come

By Lur Ningtoomuch
Staff Ghoul School Writer

Ghoul schools aren’t what they used to be.

According to a recent report, scare test scores are at an all-time low and more and more of our monster institutions are being taken over by charters.

“It’s getting to the point where we won’t be able to send up good monsters for the Halloweens to come,” said Count Dracula, who’s running for Transyl-vein-ia President in 2016. “These little furry things we’re turning out year after year are like puppies. Where are tomorrow’s nightmares going to come from? We’re going to have to start looking at other planets if we don’t get back to delivering the bads. I certainly don't want to just throw money at the problem. I don't want to drain my fellow monsters' pocketbooks. I want to drain their blood.”

The ghoul schools in South Transyl-vein-ia are a big concern, with several in the bottom 5 percent of the world. Three charter school operators will take over the worst of the sites.

“The monsters at these schools are up to no no-good,” said Eyelf Ixit, Monster Charter Chair. “They’re sweet, caring, smart . . . It’s awful. Very few students are being sent to the principal’s office for mischief or unruly conduct anymore -- not even the werewolves. What we hope to do when we take over these three campuses in the winter is start turning out evil, awful monsters again. We're going to make South Transyl-vein-ia home of the scariest monsters again. You can count on it.”

Dracula told reporters that he’s in favor of the charter takeover in South Transyl-vein-ia so that the number of disturbances can start to rise again, but he doesn’t want the growing charter trend to continue.

“We need our schools to rise to the occasion," he said. "We want to show these over-achieving sites that, if they want to stay in business, they better stop providing good educations and start providing bad ones. They’ve got to focus on scarier results or they, too, are in danger of charter takeover. When I become president in 2016, my first priority will be to get more blood banks in Transyl-vein-ia. Then I’ll work on the future of our monster nation. I assure you, Halloween in the years to come will be just fine, so long as you vote for Drac in ‘16.”

Sources said this year’s Halloween should still be pretty scary. But trick-or-treat warriors are becoming more and more brave. It won’t be long before the monster status quo is a no-go.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Monday Monster Match-Ups: 'Jeepers Creepers'


The Creeper, from “Jeepers Creepers” and “Jeepers Creepers 2,” has been trying to get a third movie made for years. In the meantime, he’s been doing anything he can for cash. He sang Sinatra tunes at a nightclub in Las Vegas for a couple years, and he even did an unauthorized musical stage production of “Jeepers Creepers” before the filmmakers sued him. He figured the publicity would be good for him. It wasn’t. About a year ago, the Creeper bought a microbrewery in the Transyl-vein-ia Mountains and created an award-winning pilsner called “The Creeper’s Own.” It’s a bestseller. Until he can get another film going, however, fans will have to be happy with just two installments. So which do you pick, “Jeepers 1” or “Jeepers 2”?

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Fear Fest on AMC is good family fun


Got a little film buff on your hands? We thought so. Thankfully, there are plenty of fun films for the kids and the rest of the family airing this Halloween season on AMC. In addition to episodes of “The Walking Dead,” AMC will also deliver more family fun this week leading up to All Hallows’ Eve with some “Friday the 13th” movies, “The Last House on the Left,” “Halloween” (parts I, II, III, IV, V and VI) and more. The whole family will be singing and swinging, and having a bloody good time. Click HERE for the lineup of films.

Giant spiders looking forward to Halloween, excited to play 'trick or trap'

The children of the world aren’t the only ones excited about All Hallows’ Eve. Giant spiders are looking forward to Halloween treats, too. They put up massive amounts of web on buildings and homes everywhere with hopes of catching little kids in costumes, otherwise known as fun size snacks.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Black cats and vampire bats vie for best in show, hoping for spot in Halloween festivities

Transyl-vein-ia’s top black cats and vampire bats will vie for a chance to bring humans bad luck on Halloween night during the annual Black Cats and Vampire Bats Show tomorrow night at the Transyl-vein-ia Convention Center.

Over 300,000 creatures of the night are registered to compete.

“We have black cats and vampire bats from all over the region,” said Itson Likedonkeykong, director of the show. “We’ve got cats that hiss, bats that buzz and egos twice the size of King Kong. Only 50,000 of these creatures will get a chance to go out into the night on Halloween and reign in other evil ‘things' in an orchestrated effort to frighten trick-or-treaters and issue them bad luck.”

Likedonkeykong told reporters that judges will choose one cat and one bat from the bunch with the Best In Show honor, and those two winners will then lead their respective winning brothers and sister in what they call "Operation Cross Paths and Buzz Heads."

“It’s a big responsibility,” Likedonkeykong said. “So the judges are very careful in choosing the wickedest critters of all time. Trick-or-treaters expect no less than the worst.”

Animal trainers, witches, scientists and witch doctors are literally working their “magic” on their pests so theirs are the ones to represent the world on Oct. 31.

“We love it,” said Muglani the Medicine Man, who has several vampire bats and a couple cats in the show. “I made sure my little suckers have the teeth to open up a Boeing 747 like it was a can of tuna. They’re true terrors.”

The show begins at 9 p.m. Tickets are still available at SqueakNMeow.mon.

-Jack O. Lantern

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Wicked witch refuses to do moon flyby this Halloween

By Al “Things” Green
Staff Night Creatures Writer

The wicked witch who usually flies by the moon on Halloween night says she’s not doing it this year.

Some say All Hallows’ Eve won’t be the same without the flyby.

“You've got Santa Claus driving his sleigh with his reindeer, E.T. in a basket on Elliot's bike and the wicked witch on her magic broom," said Ernest P. Goblin, who looks forward to seeing the popular icon every October 31st. "How can she not give us that all-important spectacle? If I could fly on a magic broom, you know I’d be all over it.”

The wicked witch told reporters she’d gladly give Goblin the power.

“You try riding a broom at my age,” she said. “You ever ride a bike with one of those tiny, hard plastic seats? Kills your bottom, don’t it? Your cheeks get all numb, your underwear rides up on you . . . Just imagine no seat at all. And when you’re up in the sky that high, you hit turbulence and it's bumpy as all get out. It makes it all the worse. I loathe it.”

The wicked witch added that she’s also becoming more and more afraid of heights as she gets older.

“OK, so I have a fear of falling,” she said. “That’s not the point. The bottom line is I don’t need no raggedy broom to get around. I’m a witch -- I can appear wherever I want like Captain Kirk. So I’m just not gonna fly around on sticks anymore. This year, I’m gonna lay out in the swamps and work on my color. My green is starting to fade big time. Someone else can fly through the moon.”

Other witches have begged to take over the role, but the Transyl-vein-ia Witches Commission has been slow to process applications. They’re hoping to have a new witch for the flyby in time for the big night.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Pumpkins excited to get a knife in the face for Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Pumpkin patches everywhere are drawing large crowds, and people are getting excited to bring their gourds to life.

Pumpkins are equally excited.

“I can’t wait for someone to put a knife into my face and give me eyes and a nose and a mouth,” said Jill L. Lantern. “And I love the feeling of people putting fire in my head for all to see my jack-o’-lantern grin.”

Other large orange fruit are not so thrilled.

“Sure, it’s nice to be able to project that Halloween magic when candle light flickers out of our faces,” said John J. Lantern. “But I’m not looking forward to being tossed into the street. And I’m definitely not looking forward to being put into a pie tin for Thanksgiving.”

Some ghouls are offering to pick up jack-o’-lanterns to take them back into the monster realm before their candles are blown out at the end of Halloween night.

“I’ve got a ghost hearse that’ll fit a bunch of our pumpkin friends,” said a ghoul who wishes to remain anonymous. “But it’ll be up to the pumpkins to make sure their human hosts don’t snatch them up before the night is over.”

Not to worry -- sources say people are good rule followers, and that they’re well aware of the four golden rules of Halloween:

-Wear a costume;

-Pass out treats;

-Always check your candy;

-Never blow out a jack-o’-lantern before the night is over.

To make reservations for your ride back into the monster realm, jack-o’-lanterns should go to ThisPumpkinNotGoinOutLikeDat.mon.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Mutant boxer rips opponent to bloody pieces, doctor to put limbs back on loser for rematch next week

By Watt Chesfytes
Staff Fight Writer

Johnny “Stoker” Dixon, a mutant, was put into the boxing ring this evening at the Shadow City Boxing Ring to see what he could do. He literally ripped his opponent, Tiger Nelson, into bloody body parts.

First Stoker pulled off Tiger’s right arm. Then he gave him a left hook and knocked his nose right off his face.

“When Stoke bit off his ear and tossed it onto the mat next to the bloody nose,” said fight announcer Eddie Clay, “we knew we were in for a special evening. After that he tore Tiger’s head off his shoulders and yanked his spinal cord out of his body like he was pulling a blade out of its sheath.”

Dr. Frankenstein from up the hill said he wanted to piece Tiger back together for a re-match against Stoker next week.

“You can’t put a human in the ring with a mutant,” the doctor said. “We’ll just have to see how Stoker does up against what I’m going to create for the rematch.”

To complicate the story further, sources said Little Boy Tiny Thompson put money on the fight against Stoker and added that he’d actually paid Stoker to throw the fight. In the back alley after all was said and done, Tiny and his degenerates cornered the mutant and tried to rough him up for turning on the bet, but Stoker ripped them all limb from limb.

“We saw a large crowd gathering out back behind the Boxing Room and ran over to see what was going on,” said fight fan Harry Fabian. “The way Stoker took these guys apart was awe-inspiring. It was a bloody mess. I can’t wait for more. I’ll be back next week, that’s for sure.”

The Shadow City Fighting Commission was not too happy with Stoker’s behavior.

“If we have fighters tearing people apart like this,” said commission head Eyemda Bawss, “pretty soon we won’t have any more fighters to fight, we won’t have betters to bet or any spectators to spectate. We’ll be out of business. And -- off the record -- I was in on that little bet and I lost out big, so I’m gonna see to it that the commission sets an example that this kind of conduct is not tolerated.”

The commission later fined Stoker $100 for his actions. Stoker turned the commission into a bloody mess before they could collect his money and before they could take action against Jack-o’-Lantern Press for printing a statement off the record.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Monday Monster Match-Ups: 'Classic Romps'


Here are two family favorites. Arts, crafts, blood and guts -- these two fun-filled romps all about laughs and games. Of the two, which do you pick?

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Chupacabra seen enjoying meal at new outdoor eatery

A new outdoor eatery in South Transyl-vein-ia caters to chupacabra. Chupacabra, like the one pictured above, have been calling it the best food to go. If you eat the whole thing, you get the meal free and a shirt that says "I ate it all."

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Monster friends from the 'Goosebumps' movie roar at box office


Our monster friends in the “Goosebumps” movie are raising a raucous at the box office (as they should), according an article on Deadline.com. Friday’s returns were bigger than those brought in by Steven Spielberg’s new movie, “Bridge of Spies,” and they’re expected to continue in that way through the weekend. It just goes to show that we monsters are where we belong. See the Deadline article here: Deadline Article

Friday, October 16, 2015

Keep zombie loved ones indoors, zombie killer on the loose

Monster agencies are warning monsters -- and especially zombies -- to lock their crypts. A zombie killer, known as the Lawnmower Man, is on the loose and cutting up our kind with no regard. Battles have been extremely gory, so there is a level of fun to it all, but we’re losing a lot of monsters here, folks. Experts advise that you either wipe the guy out or take a break before we run out of monsters for Halloween.

Dr. Kibner to speak, says whenever you find yourself on the side of the minority, it's time to pause and reflect

A San Francisco, CA, warehouse full of pods is the next stop on Dr. David Kibner’s worldwide speaking tour, where he’ll tell humans (those who are left) -- and even other beings -- that they’re the minority, and that the lack of emotion is really “where it’s at.”

More and more beings, according to Kibner, are falling asleep and becoming pod people.

“What the alien species is doing is purely for survival,” Kibner said. “They’re doing people and others a favor by ridding them of their emotions. I tell the non-pod people, ‘If you’re not joining us, you need to pause and reflect -- we’re gonna get you in the end whether you want to become one of us or not.’”

Kibner’s talk begins at midnight tomorrow in a big warehouse called Pod Central near the Embarcadero. Non-pod people need only to stop by. The event is free of charge.

“Or you can simply fall asleep anywhere in the city so the aliens can make a double of your body,” Kibner tells the non-transformed. “You’ll be the new you in no time with a complimentary ticket to see me speak.”

The speech, Kibner added, isn’t just for the non-pod people. It’s quite informative for the newlypods as well.

“We’re gonna have a time,” the doctor said. “Not a fun time or a boring time. It’ll just be a time. Remember, there won’t be emotions anymore.”

For more information, go to InPodWeTrust.mon.

-Matthew "Pod Man" Bennell

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

What lies beneath?

 
Halloween is a good time to play bobbing for tricksters. Creatures hiding underwater in bobbing-for-apples buckets are excited to participate in this year’s games.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Jack-o’-Lantern Press on the ‘Nightmare 365’ podcast, darned humans take all the credit

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WTFM?

(What The Frankenstein Monster?)

OK, I get that these two humans are writing the checks, but did they have to take all the credit?

Jack-o’-Lantern Press founders Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella were recent guests on Matt Douglas’s “Nightmare 365” podcast at Nightmare365.com, and they basically said they run Jack-o’-Lantern Press. No mention of all my work as ‘head’ writer and editor of the online monster publication, and no mention of the amazing editorial staff we have here turning out the second-greatest news and entertainment coverage in Transyl-vein-ia, only slightly behind those hacks with bloated paychecks at Transyl-vein-ia Times (that’s another gripe for another time).

We monsters would like a little credit. The Picarella brothers seem to think it’s all a joke. The only jokers are those two. Just listen to them talk. They’re true Halloween geeks. We kinda admire that about them, though.

Nevertheless, we’ll take what we can get. Check out the interview by clicking on the link below . . .

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Monday Monster Match-Ups: 'Killer Tomatoes'


In honor of Italian-American Heritage Month and the major contributions Italian-Americans have made to world culture in many fields, from science to entertainment, art to automotive design, we’re matching up a couple tomatoes here. Tasteful, huh? These two contenders come from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes," the feel-good docu-drama (feel good until the end) that, to this day, still keeps us on our toma-toes. Tommy Teeth and Jimmy Jaws will no doubt make a mean marinara out of each other, but who will be left rolling? Which do you pick?

New executive chef adds tasty dishes to Transyl-vein-ia Grille menu

In June, the Transyl-vein-ia Grille brought on a new executive chef to boost business. A Kanamit by birth, Chef Aidman Kynd closed down the dive joint shortly upon his hiring and has been converting it into what he believes will be a more “exclusive” restaurant. He has some new ideas for the menu and will begin serving man when the Grille reopens tomorrow evening. Call 1-666-ToServeMan to make reservations.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Red wind brings out worst in people's moods, ghosts happy with their work


In his short story, "Red Wind," author Raymond Chandler wrote, "There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight." Especially hot, dry and dusty Santa Ana winds in Southern California, otherwise known as “the red wind,” are widely believed to affect people’s moods and behavior negatively. The winds carry Coccidioides immitis and Coccidioides posadasii spores into nonendemic areas, a pathogenic fungus that causes Coccidioidomycosis, otherwise known as “Valley Fever.” But that’s just science or something like that. The red wind is really ghosts. And the ghosts are happy with their recent work in Southern California.

Bigfoot wants park guests to obey leash law; animals can’t just run wild

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

Bigfoot has about had it. For years there’s been an unspoken rule about keeping pets on leashes in Bigfoot National Park, and for years it’s been getting worse. The sasquatch for whom the park is named is tired of guests not having control of their animals.

New signs warn park visitors that it’s the law to keep pets on a leash. According to Bigfoot, however, the signs aren’t doing diddly-squat -- pet owners are still disobeying the law.

“I called the authorities to make reports,” ‘foot said, “but I was essentially ignored and laughed off the phone because they think leash laws are a waste of their time. No wonder pet owners don’t bother keeping their animals on leashes -- no one is going to do anything about it.”

The problem is worse than that.

“We have a few drinking fountains near the visitor centers,” ‘foot said. “Near many of these fountains we have complimentary water bowls for animals. So the other day I’m enjoying a DQ Blizzard on the patio when this wicked witch and her pet dragon lizard -- off its leash -- came wandering up. The animal didn’t go to the bowl like it should've done. No, it jumps up toward the drinking fountain. It wants to drink out of the drinking fountain like it's one of us. And the witch, who has no control of her animal, picks up her beast and lets it drink out of the drinking fountain. I’m just sitting there, watching this disgusting thing lick the fountain that we drink out of, and I can't even finish the rest of my Blizzard. I mean, I know I’m not the most kempt individual, but this was just gross.”

Bigfoot went to the top animal agency in the area to request more signage and real enforcement.

“We had no idea how bad the problem was until Bigfoot told us,” said park ranger Al Talwk. “You better believe we’re going to make sure pet owners keep their animals on leashes. It’s more of a safety issue with all the wild beings in the park.”

Days went by and pet owners continued to roam the park with pets off their leashes. And, according to Bigfoot, nothing was being done about it.

“Rules are rules,” ‘foot said. “So I just started eating any pet I saw off its leash.”

It’s been a couple weeks since Bigfoot began treating these unleashed animals like hors d’oeuvres. Those with animals are now aware of the danger and are not only keeping their pets on leashes, but they’re keeping them out of the park.

“The only problem is,” ‘foot said, “I’ve regrettably acquired quite the taste for these critters. Such is life.”

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Dracula carriage slides off hillside, rescue teams light up Carpathian Mountains to find passengers

By Missy Hap
Staff Axe-idents Writer

A spooky carriage ride through the Carpathian Mountains to Castle Dracula last night went horrible wrong when the back wheels of the coach slid off the side of the eerily narrow pathway that crosses a large gorge in the mountains and tumbled down a hillside.

Search and rescue teams lit up the area with floodlights while ground crews and helicopters tried to locate the passengers of the downed carriage.

“It’s a little embarrassing,” Dracula told reporters last night as teams searched for his guests. “You go through all this trouble -- adding fog and wolves to the scenery, magic walls of fire and driving the carriage as a bat -- and then one false move on a pathway I’ve driven a million times sends my carriage and my guests down a hillside. I got out in time because I was a bat and simply flew away, but now there are search and rescue teams all over my property, and rescue choppers and news choppers everywhere in the sky above. The castle doesn’t even look looming on TV. This is ridiculous.”

News media satellite up-link trucks and photojournalists gathered outside the front gates of Castle Dracula to cover the scene. The creatures of the night fled as the media took over the area. Dracula’s brides, however, came out from hiding to see what was going on.

“I, like, totally told him he’d go off the side of that hillside one night,” said Thyia, one of the brides. “He had that pathway built especially narrow so he could freak out passengers as he went hot-wheeling across the gorge. His driving, though, like, is so terrible, oh my gawd. But I can’t say anything. He gets totally mad when I do and tells me not to be a back seat driver. Whatever.”

Crews found the passengers around 3 a.m. this morning.

“They’re a little banged up,” said Transyl-vein-ia County Sheriff Vlad Tuveeovsurviss. “Dracula is taking them to his castle and he’s going to make sure they have the best care possible. He’s pretty upset over the whole thing.”

The media circus finally left the site around 7 this morning. What remains in front of Castle Dracula are coffee cups strewn about, half-empty water bottles and other litter from craft service.

“There are truck tire tracks everywhere as well,” Dracula said. “It’s gonna take me a long time to get this place looking desolate and scary again. Like I said, this whole thing was ridiculous. I just want to get the place back to normal and put this whole thing behind me.”