Jack-o’-Lantern Press recently sat down with the Valentine’s Monster to discuss being rejected by Halloween, what it’s like to be purple and pink, and if the monster of Feb. 14 is capable of being scary.
Jack-o’-Lantern Press: So it’s 2016, what do you think about where Valentine’s Day has gone?
Valentine’s Monster: You mean how do I feel about how you kicked me out of Halloween?
JLP: Well, Valentine’s, I personally didn’t kick you out of Halloween. The Board kicked you out.
VM: Jack, please don’t feel bad about it. I love it here in Valentine’s. I have so much love to give.
JLP: See, you say stuff like that and you wonder why you got kicked out.
VM: Oh, I know why you kicked me out.
JLP: I didn’t kick you out.
VM: I have nothing but love for all of you back home.
JLP: Do you miss Halloween?
VM: No, not really. I mean, I’m purple and pink, so I was always the butt of your jokes.
JLP: For the record, I never joked about you being purple and pink, although I know the Board had strong feelings about it. But does Valentine’s Day offer the same type of thrill you must’ve known when you were in Halloween?
VM: These days, on Halloween, I curl up with my binky and read a love-laughter-and-happily-ever-after book by Melanie Shawn. Those girls can write the romance. But honestly, Halloween just doesn’t do it for me. Valentine’s Day is really where it's at.
JLP: Valentine’s, you realize everyone from back home is going to read this, right?
VM: I feel totally fine with that, Jack. Are you uncomfortable with it?
JLP: Yeah, kind of.
VM: I don’t judge you. I love you.
JLP: Let’s switch subjects. Now, you did keep the name ‘Monster’ in your name. Do you do any good monstering on February 14? Any terrorizing or scare-orr-izing?
VM: Absolutely, Jack. I usually slip treats under the pillows of those who believe in the true spirit of love and hand out sweet little Valentine's greetings. I have so much love to give. Yeah, you could say I get in some good monstering on February 14.
JLP: But do you ever scare anyone? You are a monster deep down.
VM: Jack, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
JLP: You’ve got sharp teeth and a prickly tail, and you drool toxic slime.
VM: I’m purple and pink, and I’m a peach.
JLP: Isn’t it true you transform into a hideous boggart if you get mad?
VM: I never get mad, Jack. I have so much love to give. Don’t judge me.
JLP: I’m not judging you. But I would like to know if it’s true you become a snarling beast when your temper flares up.
VM: You’re trying to make me mad now. You’re cute.
JLP: Come on, stop that. You know I can’t take that flowery stuff. I just know you blame me for getting kicked out of Halloween and I want you to acknowledge it and get angry about it and be the monster I know you are.
VM: Stop it. I’m thrilled with how my life turned out.
JLP: Seriously, is Valentine’s Day all that, sharing Valentine’s greetings and flowers and love? I mean, I get the whole candy part, but how can you look at me and seriously tell me you’d really rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31?
VM: I’d rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31. And here's my 'serious' face? (Makes face)
JLP: Will you let me join you on Valentine’s Day to see what’s so great about it that you don’t need Halloween anymore?
VM: You’re sweet.
JLP: Valentine’s, I’m serious. Will you invite me to Valentine’s Day, yes or no?
VM: I have nothing but love for you, brother.
JLP: Are you saying you won’t let me in?
VM: You’re orange, Jack. Valentine’s Day is purple and pink . . . Sucks, doesn’t it?
The Valentine’s Monster will put treats under your pillow tonight if you truly believe in love. Don’t expect any scaring.