Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see shadow, chupacabra and jackelope allegedly help him escape yearly fate

By Ginny Pig
Staff Rodents Writer

Early this Groundhog Day morning at Gobbler’s Knob in Pennsylvania, USA, before a large crowd and several gentlemen in really tall top hats and tuxedos, the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil came out of his tree-trunk jail and saw no shadow because there was no shadow to be cast, thus confirming we won’t have another six weeks of winter. Hours after the annual Groundhog Day event, the giant grumpy squirrel turned up missing, and it’s said a chupacabra and a jakelope helped in his escape.

To confirm that we’ll have an early spring, Shubenacadie Sam, Canada’s tunnel-digging weather prognosticator, also saw no shadow, but he’s not so concerned with Phil in the wild.

“Look, I’m a groundhog, he’s a groundhog, and I have nothing personal against the guy,” Sam said, “but is anyone really gonna miss him? I think the world needs a little more Sam in their life. I can see my shadow as well as Phil can. Why not show me a little love for a change?”

Despite Sam’s sentiments, critters everywhere said they wouldn’t sleep until Phil is caught. With Phil at large, many said, the world is faced with the danger of do-overs forevermore.

“Have we forgotten what Phil is capable of doing?” said a mole rat who wishes to remain anonymous. “Not only has he taken a sip of some magic life-extending elixir so he can live forever and ever, but he’s been given the power to curse anyone or anything with the same day over and over and over again. If anyone knows the pain of that, it should be Phil. He’s been torn from his winter hibernation every year since the 1880s and asked to predict the future. He’s been very clear about how much he detests the ritual and how much he'd like a little good ol' evil revenge.”

Officials reported that they have no idea where Phil has gone. A member of the Punxsutawney Inner Circle accused a local resident who teaches GSL (Groundhogese as a Second Language) of playing a major role in the jailbreak. Gunag Etyouout, who assists the Groundhog Club President in his communication with Phil on Groundhog Day, was arrested and then later released for lack of evidence against her. She said she’s simply a teacher, not a criminal, and claimed the true culprits in the matter were a chupacabra and a jackelope who’d been spotted over the weekend “milling around town and looking suspicious.”

“It’s a known fact that Phil spends long hours on the phone almost every night with an individual in Latin America discussing goat delicacies,” Etyouout said after her release this afternoon. “And we all know about Phil's desire to visit the state of Wyoming to collect a debt from some jackhole jackelope out there who’s allegedly into Phil for over two grand. Follow the phone calls and you’ll find Phil.”

Investigators have done better. They’ve already caught Phil.

“The problem we’re up against,” said lead investigator Eyelbee Damned, “is that we wake up every morning -- the same morning -- and have to catch him all over again. We don't see any way out of this.”

To read this story again, wake up tomorrow and find yourself reading it again.

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