Staff Alien Abductions Writer
Want to do well in the 17th Annual Earthling Abduction Tournament this weekend?
Alien Day on April 26 is fast-approaching and the abduction tournament this weekend is another indication that the big day is almost here. Experts from Humans In The Light, a professional abducting resource, revealed a few hidden tournament secrets that will push you past the competition.
“Abducting is not an escape from life,” said Humans In The Light President Ross Well, “but often a deeper immersion into it. The most powerful tool you have to catch humans is being in the right state of mind.”
According to Well, if you keep worrying about how an E.T. in another valley is doing, you’re going to be seriously off your game.
“It’s not just your own problems that can interfere with your abducting,” Well said. “Fellow competitors are only too happy to mess with your head.”
Maybe you’ve had a great pre-abduction and you figure you can put 4,000 to 6,000 pounds in the saucer, no problem. You’ve been pitching Americans and landing Brits. Life is good. Until you reach the space station.
“You’re walking across the bridge,” Well said, “toward your planetary rover, and you spot one of your competitors in the wipe-down area. Worse yet, he spots you. He asks how you did. You tell him you wrangled in 8,000 pounds. Of course, he’s gonna tell you he pulled in 10,000. Rule No. 1: Abductors lie, especially to other abductors.”
Well suggests you not focus on the competition at claw. Instead, he reminds all aliens to envision a good time.
“After all, that’s what abducting is about, not the number of humans you’ve tractor-beamed to your saucer,” Well said.
According to Litesover Phoenix, a lower-level representative of Humans In The Light, doing well in a tournament means understanding humans and familiarizing yourself with tournament environments.
“The better an abductor can understand his or her quarry,” Phoenix said, “the better or more successful he or she will be at catching it.”
According to Phoenix, the most important factor when human abducting is understanding how humans react to changing conditions and how they use their senses (taste, feel, sight, smell, etc.).
If it’s cold, humans tend to stay indoors. If it’s warm, they tend to be out an about. So go to where it’s warm, Phoenix said.
Also note that humans eat three times a day -- in the morning, around noon and at night. So go to where the food can be found at times when the humans should be feeding, but don’t go to populated areas or you risk scaring them away or worse, you risk nuclear warfare when human governments find out we truly exist.
“Hit up those way out-of-the-way In-N-Out Burger joints,” Phoenix said. “Those places are swarming with schools of humans, and due to the fact that you're in the middle of nowhere, you’ll have the necessary time to get people into your craft before any word gets out to the authorities. The burgers at those places are good, too.”
Other experts suggest establishing patterns, setting goals, learning the difference between weekday and weekend abducting, and using the proper bait to attract humans to your light.
“We offer all kinds of ways to better your abducting experiences,” Well said. “It’s really only one telekinetic click away.”
Learn more at HumansInTheLight.mon. And good luck this weekend at the tournament.