Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Transyl-vein-ia Hills ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- monsters pay for this kind of calm

By Cookie Cuttre
Staff ‘burbs Writer

It’s the Transyl-vein-ian Dream -- anyone or anything (with money) is free to imagine and realize a land in which life (or the afterlife) can be better, richer and fuller for all, with opportunity for each, according to one’s ability or achievement.

Transyl-vein-ia Hills is a place full of ideals. If you’re well off, like the monsters that live in this suburban Shangri-La, you can take (and the residents of Transyl-vein-ia Hills have already taken) what you want. It’s as simple as that.

It’s the good life, full of guileless pleasures like the Transyl-vein-ia Hills Skulling Alley with the best lanes and the freshest skulls; like the Library of the Dead with books (and authors) you’ll want to eat up; and like Local Trash Services, where you can take as much trash as you want to keep.

There’s the Transyl-vein-ia Hills Bus Depot and its dregs of society waiting for you to board a bus so they can fill the seat next to you. In this land, you’ll find lemonade stands monstered by the town’s little skull crushers who are more than happy to share their own brand of freshly-squeezed lemonade with you, made from real lemon tree people.

The Pink Flamingo Garden Shop is a great place to go to stalk up on the things you’ll need to build your own paradise wherever you reside. The Pink Flamingo breeds its own gnomes, killer flamingos and other lawn terrors that’ll make any front yard or backyard complete. You’ll want to spend all your nights there relaxing in a hammock . . . tied up for dead. These critters are also great at capturing beings for you to possess so you don’t have to put in the effort to capture them yourselves. You can just sit back and enjoy.

Probably the best destination for recreation and relaxation, however, is the Firehouse near the Trick-or-Treat Tract Shopping Center. A visit with the Red Devil will ensure a speedy resting place. If you’re good, he’ll send you to the human world to suffer a short (71-year average) “real life.” If you’re bad, you can enjoy eternity in the fires within his lair. The Firehouse is also a great place to shed some pounds and cleanse your body through some serious perspiration.

Goblin Street is home to rows and rows of bed-and-breakfasts for your leisure, surrounded by trees and the goblins that lurk in those trees. Resident goblins wait for you to go to sleep so they can call on you from their oaks to come out and play.

The tree people on Tree People Place, unlike the goblins of Goblin Street, won’t taunt you. They’ll just go into your B&B to take you away.

It may not sound very relaxing, but a trip to the Wreck Center on Wreck Center Circle is where you can go to relieve stress. There you can bust down walls, break windows, smash up furniture and practice your jump scares on combat sports grappling dummies that were scientifically farmed to physically respond to terrors like you.

You can also swim in the Wreck Center’s pools, caked with toxic sludge so that, when in the human world, you can be better equipped to chase down escaping swimmers or enemy boat crews who are on the hunt for unidentified life such as yourself.

There’s hiking and biking, flying and wall climbing activities, which is always a great way to promote quality sleep at the end of the night.

On second thought, you might do better promoting nightmares at the Transyl-vein-ia Hills Drive-In. If you’re open to demonic domination, a night at the movies is always a top recreational activity. The demons in the movies there are more than happy to come out of the big screen and enter your vehicle . . . and your soul. You might have a difficult time getting your soul back, but that’s not always a good thing, so heed the warning.

Probably the best place to go to retire for eternity is the haunted house at the end of Bat Court in the northern part of town. There, the bats are always swarming. Lightning never stops striking, thunder stays clapping and rain continues to pour forever. Skeletons will greet you and take you into their dwelling so you can experience true haunted house living. If you haven’t experienced haunted house living, take my word: it’s among the last things you’ll ever get locked into doing.

There are so many ways to enjoy Transyl-vein-ia Hills. It has that hometown feel so many of us desire. And while no one ever said the Transyl-vein-ian Dream was easy to attain, those from Transyl-vein-ia Hills will start telling you it is when you arrive. So we welcome you . . . for a small, but actually rather large fee. How much is in your wallet?

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

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