Friday, August 19, 2016

Transyl-vein-ia Hills 'Rot Spots' -- the ultimate in suburban terror

By Cookie Cuttre
Staff ‘burbs Writer

One wouldn’t think there’d be excitement in suburbia, but Transyl-vein-ia Hills is more than just your ordinary evil residential area for monsters to raise their young dead.

Tract castles, parks and scaregrounds, shopping and shocking centers, swimming swamps, patios, barbecues and other types of torture . . . Transyl-vein-ia Hills is the place to live, shop and slay, all in a spacious, auto-friendly, overgrown garden setting planned for gracious and carefree monster living.

It’s true, happy monsters make happy homes. And while this happy suburb may seem like a place geared more for monster family living than visiting, think again -- there are plenty of things tourists can do.

The most popular activity in the area is the all-new Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds in the Trick-or-Treat Tract. At the end of the block, there’s a cute little dark, desolate shopping center that has a Deadly Weggly Supermarket, a pest store, a pest mill and an adopt-a-pest shelter. At the end of the plaza is the Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds office.

Check in with Jan at the front counter. She’s the sweet gorgon that’ll set you up with a faux residence in the Trick-or-Treat Tract. Once you have a home, it’s yours for the hour (or more if you pay) to lure in and take trick-or-treaters any way you please.

Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds uses only the best trick-or-treaters, brought in fresh and exclusively for the Wargrounds from the human world every day. It’s a good way to prepare for trick-or-treaters in the human world on Halloween.

Another similar activity in Transyl-vein-ia Hills is over on Babysitter Lane. And while the babysitters aren’t real, the animatronic creations of youngsters looking after the teeny tiny ones are so realistic, you won’t know they’re not real until you sink your teeth into them. But the creators of the attraction recently seasoned the catches with human flesh and human heart morsels (no artificial flavoring), and the taste is pretty palatable. The monster on the block with the most babysitters in his/her/its captivity when time’s up, and thus the monster with the most tickets, can choose from a wide variety of prizes from the Eyes Cream Truck, delivering the creamiest eyeballs anywhere around (no, those aren’t cherries on top).

The Eyes Cream Truck travels all over Transyl-vein-ia Hills at all times of the day and night. If you catch it -- or rather if it catches you -- you’ll get an endless supply of eyes cream for the rest of your life, which you’ll be forced to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat . . . You can’t stop eating. And you can’t get out of the truck either. Ever. Consequently, monsters that win tickets on Babysitter Lane of any quantity are going to get all the prizes one way or another.

If you can’t catch the truck, if it can’t catch you or if you don’t win any tickets by snatching trick-or-treaters, the Eyes Cream Parlor on Scream Street is always there for that such a low-grade monster. It’s the same idea there with the more-than-you-can-eat portions and never-get-to-go-home-again factor.

While you’re on Scream Street, be sure to check out the Scream Mall, the largest shopping and shocking complex in any dimension. It’s a top tourist draw.

Despite its name, the Scream Mall isn’t only a place to indulge in some retail scare-apy. It’s also a place with world-class entertainment venues and award-winning restaurants.

Right out front in the main square is a beautiful graveyard with nightly grave raisings. Mayor Ben Innagraevtu officiates the ceremonies and helps put others in the empty graves come dawn. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be in there next.

Don’t let this land of good and plenty fool you. There are several more evils yet to be discovered. And there are several more yet to discover you.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

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