Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Mangia, mangia, and then . . . MANGIA!

By Chef Annoy-ardee
Contributor to the JLP

There’s no such thing as “Not hungry” in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, especially if you’re in the Pushcart District where the curbside carts offer up everything from blood oranges and lethal lemons to eyeball parmesan and goo-gunk gelato.

Enter the enclave at Skullberry Street. Lined with tenement buildings and packed with pushcarts and peddlers of produce, fruit, rotting body parts and other goods (and delicious bads), the Pushcart District is authentic to its monster roots, steeped in tradition (there’s a feast celebration every day to honor non-virtuous spirits and immigrant monster heritage) and, of course, the most unique food in the world. Eat as much as you can because it doesn’t get any worse than this.

Stop by Joey Marinara’s Accordion Shop and Cannoli Stand for a sweet treat or two . . . or three or waaaay more. Fill up on steak and pork and fish and veal and everything else at Rat Pack’s Chop House while the biggest pack of rodents entertains you under the tables and all over your feet.

Marshmallow Man’s Super Cigar Saloon is a classy place to relax and let your food settle. That burning marshmallow mud that’s dumping all over you is just Marshmallow Man as he melts after he’s lit up a Macanundo Cru Royale. He always catches fire whenever he smokes. Never mind being full. You won’t find better marshmallow in your afterlife, so dig in. Marshmallow Man won’t mind. That mud on the floor there—that’s his mind. Bon appetite.

Come on, you’re too thin. Eat. Eat! Stop by the Anti-Social Club for some good conversation, a game or two of bocce ball, some espresso and cookies . . . and more cookies. Lots of cookies. Keep eating!

The Sunday Supper House celebrates Sundays (the day to rest in peace) every day with an open door and more food than you can stomach. Eat it all! The Supper House is a great environment for arguments and making good on vendettas.

Sure, go ahead and stop by the Museum of Monster Arts and Skull-ture for some monster history and not-so-fine art, and pick up atrocious style at Griffin’s Designer Clothing, Shoes, Bags and Bandage Company. That’s all on your way to Phantom Boulevard where you can get the worst slice of pizza at Pizza Phantom.

But before you do that, give Caffe Malocchio a shot with a cup of coffee, from the most skillfully blended and roasted coffee beans that even a 300-year-old zombie could taste, and, of course, the “evil eye.”

Then head over to Pizza Phantom for that slice. Enjoy a few slices. Don’t worry—each one is huge. Take a whole pie with you to enjoy during a performance at the Loudmouth Opera House next to the Phantom Recording Studio. Don’t stick around for autographs. There’s more to eat.

At the end of the block is Killer Korner. There you’ll find Mr. Meatball’s Horrible Heroes and Diabolic Deli. (Don’t forget that March 9th is Monster Meatball Day.) There, you can get the largest hero sandwiches anywhere, giant veggies, meatballs the size of boulders and other really gigantic goodies to stuff in your face.

There’s also the Killer Tomato Stand. (Don’t forget that April 6th is Fresh Killer Tomato Day.) By the time you arrive, you should be more than full.

For you killer tomatoes out there at the stand, the above-mentioned “guests” should be stuffed with good food and flavors you’ll love, and ready to be eaten by the time they show up at your door. Roll right over them till they’re goners and devour them at a feverish pace for best results. Invite those maniacal monster meatballs from the meatball shop next door to join you for the meal. Mangia!

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