Wednesday, August 9, 2017

President Count Dracula signs order to install blood misters downtown

By Ouwt Onthetown
Staff Night Life Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Water misters are a great way to cool off during the hot, hot summer. Blood misters cool you off and quench your thirst as well.

President Count Dracula, who just took office on Monday, passed his first piece of legislation, ordering all downtown establishments with patios or other outdoor areas to install blood misters for patrons who are hot and a little thirsty, too.

“A misting system works on the simple principle of evaporative cooling and drinking,” the president said. “When the blood mist hits your skin, it feels good. But it also seeps into your pores, and your body essentially drinks it up for convenient replenishment. These days, convenience is king, and that’s why I want all places downtown with outdoor areas to have these systems. And also because I said so.”

The Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, the Downtown Train Station and the Transyl-vein-ia Grille are the first places to get the misters. They’ve been operational since yesterday morning. Critics say they’re making a bloody mess.

“Not only is the air all red,” said the Hunchback locked away in the Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, “but it’s turning the buildings and park benches and vehicles all red. And all the monsters are red, too. I get the appeal, but I feel like it’s a little much.”

Dracula told similar naysayers and “NIMBYists” (monsters who claim “Not In My Backyard) at a protest outside of the Fright House last night that he’s going to keep all the misters right where they are.

“Because I said so,” he said.

And he’s going to continue his plan to finish what he started.

“Because I said so,” he added.

The Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, the Museum of Modern Hearts and the picnic grounds near the Mighty Vein River are the next places in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia to get the additions. Time will tell if these misters have long-term effects on its monster residents and visitors or the environment.

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