By The Angry Scientist
Staff Pissed-Off Writer
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- New mandatory blood misters at the Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive have damaged at least 10 pallets of human eyeballs that were put outside the store to be sold starting Monday.
The outdoor display of merchandise was placed there as a promotion for mad scientists who pass by on their way to the Mad Science Convention down the street. The convention, which began on Monday and goes through Friday night, has brought in mad scientists from all over the world.
“It was a no-brainer to put brains and organs and eyeballs out front to lure in customers,” said Evil-More Merchandising Manager Maad Murchent. “We knew mad scientists would be in need of some last-minute things before their presentations at the convention. We wanted merchandise to jump out at them as they drove by. On Monday night, when the eyeballs stopped popping out at passersby, we knew something was up.”
Last week, Count Dracula took the presidential office of Transyl-vein-ia by storm, and his first piece of legislation was an order to install blood misters on patios and in other outdoor areas at Downtown Transyl-vein-ia establishments. The project was met with criticism, as the blood mist immediately began making a bloody mess, according to some.
The President hasn’t budged on his position. He’s extended the legislation to include the required installation of blood misters in the Mad Science District. Evil-More Shopping Mart was one of the first places to get the misters and already, the mad scientist supply shop is having trouble.
“We sold over 200 eyeballs on Monday alone,” Murchent said, “and they’ve all come back. Monsters are saying they put them in their creations, and then when the creations came to life, they were knocking over beaker tables and crashing into gurneys.”
Upon examination of the returned merchandise, Murchent and his RTV clerk determined that the blood mist in the air from the blood misters out in front of the store damaged the eyesight in the eyeballs.
“You see, they don’t see with stained lenses,” Murchent said. “And since these eyeballs don’t have eyelids out there on display, the blood couldn’t be wiped away and it bled into the eyes and permanently damaged them.”
Murchent said his RTV clerk had to send over 300 eyeballs back to the vendor. But they couldn’t even get credit. The vendor told them all sales were final and returned the eyeballs to the store.
“Not only did we incur that loss,” Murchent said, “but we also have customers vowing to never shop at our store again. We gave away tons of free stitches and electrical wire just for the inconvenience. Some scientists said they’d never buy non-organic eyeballs again. We don’t carry organic eyes, so that screws us. Now we’re thinking of looking into organic products, and we all know that stuff’s just a waste of money.”
Even with the loss, President Count Dracula won’t allow Evil-More to shut off their blood misters. The blood must go on, he told them.
So, beginning today, Evil-More Shopping Mart invites one and all to come see the giant sale on aisle 13: Eyeballs for half the price!