Friday, August 25, 2017

Transyl-vein-ia Hills fillers, bits and bulletins to KILL time

Missing -- Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info.

For Sale -- Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Place your bids at RealNightmares.mon.

Halloween Tree Sprouts Odd Pumpkin -- A typical Halloween tree is hung with gourds of all shapes and sizes, each with a face burned through it. Hundreds of pumpkins, hundreds of grins, hundreds of flickering lights behind those grins. One such pumpkin hanging from one such tree in Transyl-vein-ia Pines grew large and round on a giant, overhanging branch, and the face that burned through the shell came in the form of a hashtag and several letters: #ThisHalloween’sGonnaBeSoLit.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with -- Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who also likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon.

Got Web? -- Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning web in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create big expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Electricity Fun Fact -- The average Transyl-vein-ia Hills citizen uses just 6,000,000,000 joules of energy (approximately six bolts of lightning) every stormy night for creature creations. How much do you use?

Looking for Spook with House -- Tired of bouncing around. Wanted: Mature ghost who enjoys spooking, wandering halls, playing a dusty old organ, moving candelabras and making scary noises with chains. Hoping to settle down. Candidates must already have house you’re forced to haunt for eternity. Summons me from Hell by ringing a bell.

Werewolf Walker for Hire -- Born and raised in Transyl-vein-ia Hills, now a student at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Crow Fun Fact -- A flock of crows is known as a murder. Can someone say crow party?

Please Fund Me -- Worried about blood misters coming to town and depleting precious blood resources? Afraid portals between human world and monster world will close on Halloween, leaving you or hated ones in the human world? I’m an up-and-coming mad scientist with big, crazy ideas. Send me the money to rent space in the Mad Science District and get equipment of my own. Not one of those scientists with only goals to take over the world. Want to save it first. Donate to my page at Wilma.ThrowMeTheMoney.mon.

Project X House Needed -- Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, preferably one on hilltop against full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in. Trees out front required so ghosts can swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls and menacing crows to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! out of. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for party to disrupt. Send house pics to

Saliva Fun Fact -- Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water, while monster saliva boils humans.

Random Fun Fact -- Fun facts are fun.

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