Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Werewolves respond to recent disasters, and it’s not pleasant

By Calamity Janine
Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- New evidence shows that portals between the human world and the monster world will, in fact, close on Halloween night, just as a mad scientist predicted after traveling into the future and seeing it with his own eyes. Monsters that travel into the human world to terrorize people on Halloween will most definitely be locked out of the monster world, leaving them stranded in the human world forever.

President Count Dracula is adding to the current state of woes by forcing Transyl-vein-ia districts to install blood misters in all patios and outdoor areas, with Werewolftown next in line. The misters have made gigantic messes, depleted precious resources -- much of which has just evaporated into the earth -- and the blood mist itself in the air is beginning to cause problems with the environment, making it difficult for some monsters to breathe and screech and howl and moan and groan.

“I went to jump out at someone the other night, and I slipped on the bloodied ground and was more like a joke than a scare,” said Jen Tacles, a street-walking octopus from Downtown Transyl-vein-ia. “I couldn’t even roar. My lungs were so full of that sticky blood mist. It’s ruining everything.”

Officials Downtown confirmed the 100th mist-related scare misfortune last night as local leaders have been taking their arguments to President Dracula in the Fright House. Mad scientists, who are looking into the portal situation, have claimed that none of the issues with the misters are going to matter soon because, once the portals between the human world and the monster world close, Halloween magic will be trapped on the other side of the gateway, and monsters will slowly begin to die, and not in the fun way.

“Halloween magic is what keeps us all going,” said the Wrathful Scientist, who’s been working on a Halloween magic substitute. “If we don’t come up with some kind of alternative, we’re next on the extinction list.”

All this news hit Werewolftown last night when gypsies from the Gypsy Village held a panic protest in Werewolf Run Square late last night.

“The vampires aren’t doing a thing about what’s going on, the witches have been silent and the mad scientists usually fail at whatever they do, so we’re hoping to get the werewolves involved,” said a gypsy woman named Maleva, who was leading the protest last night under heavy blood mist from the newly installed blood misters. “When a werewolf wants the jugular, a werewolf gets the jugular. When a werewolf wants the moon, he or she will howl at that thing until it goes away. Eventually, it always does. Werewolves make it happen.”

It’s true. Werewolves never give up. If it’s a cure they’re looking for, which is rare these days, they scour the Earth to find the beast that infected them with the curse. If they’re battling other monsters, crumbling castle walls won’t ever stop them. They can’t die. They’re determined. They keep going and going and going . . .

“To tell you the truth,” said one werewolf at the Silver Bullet Pub and BEASTro last night when asked how these disasters have affected him and how he can help, “we really don’t care about blood misters or closing portals. We just keep going and going and going . . . We can’t die. So it’s really not our problem. We just really want more raw meat. And we’re always gonna get it, blood mist or shine.”

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