By a witch
Contributor to the JLP
Remember cold, dank Sunday nights in the meadow back home, sitting around the cauldron for some good old-fashioned witch stew and maybe a little witchcraft, too?
Well, have all kinds of fear, we’ve got the perfect recipe for you right here:
1 jar crushed ancient bones (or 2.2-ounce box of beefy onion soup mix – 2 envelopes)
1 3½-pound possum, with all the fat (or beef rump roast, trimmed of fat)
2 pounds small dragon claws (or small red potatoes), scrubbed and halved
3 large rat tails (or carrots), peeled and sliced
2 goblin ribs (or celery ribs), sliced
7 toads (or garlic cloves), minced
½ teaspoon magic pepper (or garlic pepper)
2 teaspoons dried poison sumac leaves (or dried thyme leaves)
1 poison hemlock leaflet (or bay leaf)
1½ cups of vampire bat blood (or zinfandel or other fruity red wine)
14½ ounces of witches broth (or a can of beef broth)
¼ cup corpse powder (or all-purpose flour)
Place the contents of the crushed ancient bones (dry soup mix envelopes) into a small evil spell dish (baking dish). Add the possum (roast) to the dish and rub or pat the ancient bones (soup mix) all over it.
In cauldron (or 5-quart electric slow cooker/crock pot), place half each of the dragon claws (potatoes), rat tails (carrots), goblin ribs (celery) and toads (garlic). Season with half each of the magic pepper (garlic pepper) and poison sumac (thyme). Tuck the poison hemlock (bay leaf) into dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables).
Mix together 1 cup of the vampire bat blood (wine) and the broth. Pour into the cauldron (slow cooker). Add the possum (roast) and scrape any crushed ancient bones (dry soup mix) left in the evil spell dish (baking dish) on top. Cover the meat with the remaining dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables), toads (garlic), magic pepper (garlic pepper) and poison sumac (thyme).
Cover and cook on low flame (low heat setting) for 9 to 10 hours (or until the meat is tender), then cackle a lot and chant the following spell:
“Possum, dragon claws, rat tails, too,
“Mix with goblin ribs for the stew.
“Toads, magic pepper and poisonous leaves,
“A bad juicy bat from a castle’s eaves.
“Dark spirits and demons, come from the grave,
“Awaken your evil friends, and let’s all misbehave.”
Remove the meat to a warm serving platter. Remove and discard the poison hemlock (bay leaf). Scoop out the dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables) and slotted spoon and scatter them over and around the possum (roast). Cover with foil and keep warm.
Pour the juices from the cauldron (slow cooker) into a medium saucepan and bring to a boil on top of a semi-roaring fire (or stove over medium-high heat). Whisk together the remaining ½ cup vampire bat blood (wine) and the corpse powder (flour) until well blended. Stir all that into the juices in the saucepan and cook, stirring constantly, until the gravy thickens and the corpse powder (flour) has lost its raw taste (should take about 3 to 5 minutes).
Dump the gravy over the meat and dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables), chant that spell some more, then wait for the armies of the dead to show up and serve.