By Sean Punkt
Staff Steampunk Writer
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- The ghost of Steve Jobs, pissed that the new iPhone in the human world appears to be a piece of crap, introduced plans for what he’s calling a better new iPhone to a group of investors in the Steampunk Corridor.
The smartphone, according to plans, will be steam-powered, and will include apps that trigger copper mechanics that unfold out of the device and give users the ability to use their phones as a crossbow, an automaton or an espresso maker, among other things.
“The proposed devices are heavy and a little noisy,” Jobs said as his apparition floated above the presentation stage, “but it’s a lot more handy than a device filled with just photo-editing tools, jewel games and a wall-to-wall screen with no home button whatsoever.”
The phone doesn’t come with a charging port because it doesn’t need to be charged. Simply refill it with water at your nearest pumping station in your home, and that’s it, your steam-powered device is ready to go again.
This iPhone, like the one in the human world, also has no headphone jack. That’s because the only music you’ll want to hear is the stuff being pumped through the loudspeakers all over, which Jobs is trying to install pretty much everywhere.
Other features include gauges to measure stuff (even stuff you don’t need to gauge), spinning wheels and gadgetry that may or may not have a purpose, and a time travel setting.
“Show me any phone in the human world that does that,” Jobs’ ghost said.
Several Steampunk Corridor investors seemed to be interested in Jobs’ plan. Others were too caught up with the photo-editing apps and jewel games on the human version of the iPhone that Jobs brought along to compare with his, dumbfounded by how it’s powered without steam, and captivated by its no-copper, no-rivets, no-spinning-wheels sleekness.