By Van Dalizer
Staff ‘stroy Things Writer
BIGFOOT NATIONAL PARK -- It’s believed that, over the holiday weekend, vandals broke up picnic tables, poured soap into quicksand ponds, used fiery napalm as fertilizer on plant life and knocked over gravestones that many monsters use as seatbacks in the Poison Ivy Picnic Grounds.
Park officials said damages were well over $2,000.
“For there to be that much destruction, someone really had to have intent,” said park ranger stranger, Ray Strange. “We believe the culprits are covered in poison ivy because, well, this is the Poison Ivy Picnic Grounds. And then there was that trail of skin scrapings we found that looks like someone tried to exfoliate their skin with a cheese grader.”
The park is offering a $1,999 reward for contact information on the individual or individuals responsible.
“If you’re the one who did it,” Strange said, “just let us know. As you’ve no doubt discovered, the poison ivy in these parts gets nasty quick. It’ll only get worse. And I’ve got news for you: man-eating squirrels are already on your trail, and you’ll never hear them described as the ‘peace-offering, love-giving angels of the woods.’ So turn yourself in and we’ll only throw you over Bigfoot Falls. Don’t worry -- the jagged rocks will break your fall. You’ll never feel that poison ivy itch again.”
Park officials said the picnic grounds are for everyone, and they want to keep it that way. Everyone, according to sources, is really into the damages.
“That’s why we’re offering an additional reward to the individual responsible,” Strange said. “We want to show our gratitude for his handy work, maybe even have him make a few more modifications to the place. Heck, we might even dedicate the grounds to the guy. Regardless, we’re tossin’ him over the falls. Because it sounds like fun.”