By Werewolf Blitzer
Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer
CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- The media called out President Count Dracula last night for using a blood substitute in his law-ordered blood misters installed at establishments with patios and outdoor areas in several Transyl-vein-ia districts, but the vampire king said it was not true.
According to sources, Drac saved the all-natural blood for the monster mister system he put in over the weekend throughout his home district of the Carpathian Mountains.
“Not true,” the president said, and he left it at that.
When asked to explain the unnatural sweetness of the blood coming from misters in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, the Mad ScienceDistrict, Transyl-vein-ia Hills and Werewolftown, with claims that it has the consistency of corn syrup and, therefore, most likely made from corn syrup, Dracula had just a two-word response:
The blood from the misters is sticky, though.
But it is true, and sources have concluded that the blood in the new Carpathian Mountains misters, which is like a massive sprinkler system strategically placed at the highest peaks of the mountains, spraying blood all over the region, is the only real blood being used today.
Experts have proof that vampires are getting nourishment from the misters in the Carpathian Mountains, and vampires in other districts are going up in flames during failed, tired attempts to make it back to their coffins before sunrise.
Charcoaled vampire corpses are being found on the streets every day. Check the morgue.
There’s also scientific confirmation that these vampires had fake blood in their blood stream, hence, leaving them without the sustenance they needed to make it back to their graves.
Face it -- there’s real blood being used in the Carpathian Mountains and fake blood being used everywhere else.
There’s even video showing real blood from actual living presences being pumped through the Carpathian Mountains misters and fake blood from thousands of tubes of fake blood bought at CVS being pushed through the misters in other districts.
“So not true.”
Look in the dumpsters -- you’ll see the empty tubes.
“It’s just not true.”
Did you know Dracula sucks his thumb? We have evidence: He’s doing it right now.
“Come on. Not true.”
And he really has no brides, even though he tells everyone he has three. Has anyone ever seen him with even one of these so-called brides?
“Again, not true.”
So, Dracula just wants everyone to believe that whatever he says is fact.