Contributor to the JLP
BIGFOOT NATIONAL PARK -- The secret to my world-famous seafood is in the catch.
Hi, I’m Kimo, proprietor of Kimo’s Mai Tai and Fresh Seafood Ranch in Bigfoot National Park, and yes, it’s true, the secret to my seafood dishes is that I go out on the lake every morning to get fresh fish. I also have fishermonsters bring me catches from the sea every day, though that stuff doesn’t get to me until months after it’s caught.
But that timeline falls in line with my second secret, which is time. There’s a misconception that seafood gets worse with age. I use the word “fresh” in the description of my food in my restaurant because, first of all, you have to catch your fish fresh, but that doesn’t mean you serve it fresh.
Second, the word “fresh” looks good on the sign, it’s more appealing in the ads and it fills out the cover of my menus, but leaving my seafood out in the dirt for days in the back of my establishment (even the stuff I catch every morning) is the best way to attract all the really tasty bugs that add all that flavor to the dishes I prepare for guests.
If you try to make a dish using fish that’s already rotten, chances are you’ll never attract any bugs at all. And there goes the flavor. One might say that the fish I get from the sea is an example of this. But I have my fishermonsters monitor the rotting process closely as they transport it to me.
Those who’ve had seafood at the cheap fast food joints of Transyl-vein-ia Hills and then the seafood in my restaurant know the difference.
Below is a sneak peak at a recipe for one of my most popular entrees. Enjoy!
Any kind of fresh catch from the sea, lakes, rivers, streams or sewers
Pick a hot day and a grimy location to toss your catch into the dirt. Areas with broken glass and rusty nails are ideal. Leave your fish there for about a week so the stench builds and attracts bugs. Warning: Keep critters away—they’ll eat the whole fish.
Before the creepy-crawlies can finish off the meat on your catch, scoop up the whole mess onto a plate (bugs and all) and serve. And remember: The stankier the fish, the better the dish.