Staff Fat & Skinny Things Writer
VALLEY OF DOOM -- The infamous slasher psycho Fat Jack doesn’t like to leave Fat Jack Manor off Hell’s Highway. He likes his food to come to him.
But motorists haven’t been breaking down in front of his place lately, needing his help with a tire iron or a landline because there’s no cell service in his parts of the Valley. Salesmonsters aren’t knocking on his door anymore and detectives have left the old place alone since it’s been quiet for quite some time. We didn’t even bother taking a trip out to the manor to interview him for this story.
“Please, someone just stop by for a bite,” the fat man told us over the phone. “I’ve got Twinkies, Little Debbie Cakes and an aged hunk of human cadaver I’ve been saving for just the right occasion.”
It’s times like these that force Jack to take to the streets in search of something different for his taste palette.
“There’s only so much cake and sugar a carnivore like me can stand,” the ballooning crazed killer said. “Last year, there was this group of punk kids meddling around in my house, breaking stuff, carving their names in my walls and such, and I was in one of my food comas, unable to get up. They found me, threw a bunch of trash at me, kicked my stomach, called me a fat ass. You know how much I hate being called fat. It does something to me. But I never was able to catch up with them. Maybe it’s time to don the ol’ warpath cloak, fire up the Fat Jack mobile, find those fools and carve me up some jackass wings.”
We spoke to FJ last week for this story and, as of last night, he still hadn’t made it out of his living room, according to some images from one of our satellites, which can actually spot his large body mass from space. We’re thinking he’s going to hold off on his mission to “Jack” up those vandals until after October 31.
“Halloween is my favorite holiday,” he said. “It’s when trick-or-treaters come right to my door. Except the trick every time is that the treat is always mine.”