By Tak Metoyorleedr
Staff Unidentifieds Writer
UFO SPRINGS -- Some demons on their way through town yesterday swung by the Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop in Podtown and began flinging flames at the extraterrestrials behind the counter and in line when they didn’t receive the customer service they felt they deserved.
After a weekend of partying at a blues festival in the Black Lagoon, where the popular Spooks of Dixieland cancelled their act due to one of the members coming down with a cold, the demons reportedly came into the place with three-pronged forks to grind.
“They were mean right when they came through the door,” said a reptiloid eating in the restaurant at the time the demons arrived. “It wasn’t the normal meanness you’d expect from a demon. It was something else. They were just inconsiderate buttholes.”
According to a number of patrons, the evil beasts tracked soot into the establishment when they came in, they snatched up more than their fair share of napkins -- not leaving much left for anyone else -- they melted the condiment table, and they were rude to the humanoid taking their orders behind the counter.
“They came in all entitled or something, like we all owed them something because they paid to see the Spooks of Dixieland over the weekend and didn’t get to see them and didn’t get a refund either,” said the humanoid behind the counter, who wishes to remain the anonymous human she was replicating at the time this all went down. “They weren’t ready to order, they held up the line, and then they wanted all these special substitutions.”
One customer caught most of the ordeal in a recording on his phone.
In the video, the demons are seen coming into the sandwich shop in a hurry. Then they cut in line, only to stop to figure out what they’re going to order. The lead demon takes out his smartphone and speaks into it:
“Hey, Siri, call Satan . . . Yo, Sate, we’re picking up salads. Want anything? . . . Uh huh . . . Italian chopped . . . Fat-free dressing . . . OK. Extra onion . . . No garbanzo beans . . . Add sprouts instead . . . K. Anything to drink? . . . Diet Dr. Pepper with no ice . . . Got it. See you in ten . . . Huh? . . . Yeah, it kinda sucked. Spooks of Dixieland cancelled . . . No, we’re in line now . . . They can wait, we’re regular customers here, so we’re good for it . . . Ha ha. Yeah . . .”
The call goes on for another five minutes before the demon hangs up and finishes his order, which includes a bunch of complicated substitutions and ridiculous special “off-the-menu” requests. Then their salads come out and one of the demons notices that they don’t have deviled eggs in them. That’s when, in the video, all hell breaks loose.
The recording ended there. But eyewitnesses said the lead demon complained to the employee that took the order, claiming he specifically asked for deviled eggs, even though everyone else stated no such request was made. The demon demanded to speak to the employee’s supervisor, threatening to contact corporate about her horrible customer service, and kept repeating how he and his demon pals were regular customers “since forever” and deserved respect.
The employee’s supervisor came out and asked the demon clan what had happened.
“What happened is your employee is calling me a liar,” the lead demon reportedly said. “I asked for deviled eggs on all our salads, and none of us got a one. And your employee here is calling me a liar, saying I never asked for deviled eggs like I said I did. Hasn’t she ever heard of ‘The customer is always right’?”
“We don’t go in for that policy here,” the supervisor said. “What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. And just because you’re an idiot and forgot to order deviled eggs doesn’t mean you have to get all stupid.”
“We’re demons,” the demon said. “Of course we want deviled eggs.”
“And we’re aliens,” the supervisor said. “Just because we can read your minds, doesn’t mean we’re gonna give you what you’re thinking you want. We go by what you actually order.”
“You know what?” the lead demon said. “Now I want all these salads on the house. Take me to your leader.”
“That’s my line,” the supervisor replied. “I’m supposed to be the one asking to be taken to your leader.”
After a few more minutes of arguing, the supervisor decided to simply melt the demon’s mind with her thoughts.
The other demons got real defensive and began lighting the place on fire with their fingers. The small eatery went into flames, causing a s’mores eruption as the marshmallow-like aliens in the restaurant caught fire, proving once and for all that their skin does, in fact, consist of a soft sugary substance.
Before the demons could get away with their salads without paying, the store’s loss prevention employee, a xenomorph queen, caught them at the door and opened up a can of whoop ass on them.
The demons were later abducted by other aliens out front and detained for questioning in a UFO, only to be bailed out by Satan an hour later.
According to representative of Satan, the fallen angel is embarrassed for the way his underlings behaved and allegedly apologized for all demonkind. The representative then begged to let his boss pay for damages to the store and promised to punish the demon clan as only Satan can punish those who deserve it.
The Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop will be back open for business in two weeks. Until then, you can satisfy your sandwich and salad needs over at Little Green Men’s Leafy Greens Stand down the street.