Monday, October 9, 2017

Valley of Doom desert parking structure project in the works

By Red Iculous
Staff Stupidity Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- As those visiting and frequenting the desert continue to have trouble finding parking, Valley of Doom City Councilmonsters are finalizing plans to build a 13-story (not including the 13 stories below ground), 6,660-space parking structure and pedestrian bridge to the barren landscape.

The project, to be located in the center of the desert at the corner of desert and more desert, is said to be the answer to parking problems that have been going on for years.

“Monsters come here to the desolate, arid wasteland of the Valley of Doom to roam, get lost, run out of water and burn to a crisp,” said Valley of Doom Mayor Bo N’dry. “But so many of these adventure-seekers are arriving and finding that our little parking lot is completely full.”

For over 100 years, as the desert has become increasingly busier, the council has toiled with the idea of adding other parking lots.

“We kept running into the same problem,” said Valley of Doom City Councilmonster Desi O. Lett. “There was just no place to put another lot. No matter where we tried to build, we kept running into the desert. The only thing we could do was build up. So that’s how this project came into being.”

The parking structure has been in the works for the last three decades. According to Mayor N’dry, it’s the Valley of Doom sun that’s cooked city planners’ brains, so it’s taking a little longer than they’d hoped.

After last night’s Planning Commission meeting where commissioners approved the final design of the structure, the project is now set to go before the council in November for final approval, and it will finally be put on the fast track for completion.

“We already wrote up the contract for the company doing the work,” Mayor N’dry said. “We’ll officially approve the project in a few weeks, and we’ll begin construction on top of our current parking lot in the next six to 10 years.”

Residents sounded off about the plan during a public hearing last week. One individual was concerned that, since the new parking structure will be built on top of the current parking lot, which is the only lot in the land, there will literally be no parking at all in the Valley of Doom.

“What are we going to do, park right on top of the desert?” asked Noe Organs, a skeleton who commutes from Downtown Transyl-vein-ia to the Valley of Doom five nights a week for work.

According to the mayor, folks like Organs won’t have to worry. The Valley of Doom City Council is working with other Transyl-vein-ia districts to build parking lots in neighboring jurisdictions so that those going into the Valley will be able to park out there, and then pick up a shuttle into the desert.

“We’re beginning talks on that now,” N’dry said. “We should be able to come to an agreement within the next 15 to 20 years, assuming the sun doesn’t get any hotter, which it’s been doing, and assuming it doesn’t cook our planners’ brains any more, which has also been the case. We’re hopeful anyway.”

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