Wednesday, September 19, 2018

'Transylveinya Traveler' book ties up JLP reporters

You might've noticed a lack of content here at JackoLanternPress.com lately. That's because our reporters are busy with  the upcoming travel guide to Transylveinya, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide For Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons and Mad Scientists, Too." In other works, the book has its claws all over our staff members, and they haven't been able to do much more than scream. More to come...

Monday, September 17, 2018

Thing booed off stage during impersonations act

SHADOW CITY -- A shape-shifting alien doing impersonations last night at the Thing-A-Ding-Ding Piano Bar was booed off the stage during an act where it did impressions of a sled dog and a group of American researchers. According to the crowd, The Thing was a sell-out, doing most of his work in CG. “No one does these routines with practical effects anymore,” said a stop-motion skeleton who walked out of the show after The Thing’s first imitation. “It was just way too sleek and just not there. It was like a cartoon. There’s just something more tactile when it’s actually there on the stage performing before an audience, even if it is a little jittery like me. I got my money back.” Once The Thing appeared to have left the room through a hole in the floor that was clearly not there, The Invisible Man was on next to perform his famous disappearing act.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Rays fired during flying saucer pursuit, alien arrested

UFO SPRINGS -- An alien is facing charges after a UFO chase with deputies through Podtown last night. At around 11 p.m., UFO Springs authorities got word of a 2017 XMYT-UR flying saucer spinning crop circles on Old McDonald’s Farm. Officer mutants caught up to the spacecraft shortly after the call and pursued it through the night, exchanging ray gun blasts intermittently. While crossing through Podtown at unheard of speeds (the speed of sound), the saucer lit up several human pods that were just about ready to hatch. “The pods came from a fresh batch of bodies we’d just snatched earlier in the evening,” said a Podtown official who wishes to have no name. “Yeah, we’re pressing charges.” The alien flying the saucer said he felt he was being profiled by authorities and demanded that someone step forward to give him legal assistance.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Witch tries to return Swiffer

WITCHES MEADOW -- A wicked witch created a scene this evening at her local big box store when she demanded a refund for the Swiffer Sweeper she bought over a year ago. According to the demon at the returns desk, the witch had claimed that the sweeping and mopping tool with its one-two cleaning punch didn’t do what she wanted it to do. “That guy at the counter told me all magical products had to be returned within 90 days of purchase,” the witch said. “Sure, it came with three wet mopping cloths and conformed to the surfaces of my floors, which is pretty magical, I have to admit, but there was no real magic in it. I tried flying it up, up and away at Take-Off Point and fell right off the edge of the cliff. In my mind, this thing is no magical product, and I deserve a refund, even if I bought it a year ago.” The demon still refused to refund the witch. After speaking with the store manager, the ol’ hag got more upset and asked what happened to the “customer is always right, even when they’re wrong” policy. Suffice to say, toads now run the store. In other words: The place is closed until further notice.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Zombie bite goes viral

SHADOW CITY -- A zombie infected someone with the zombie virus earlier this evening in the 600 block of Boogie Man’s Bend. Then the infected one infected another, the three of them infected more, the bites multiplied and multiplied. By press time, it had gone viral.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Mummy seen picking up box of Band-Aids

VALLEY OF DOOM -- An unidentified mummy was seen picking up a box of Band-Aids this evening in a drug store down on the lower east side of Tombtown. Several eyewitnesses made the same report. “I saw him go into the store, stand in line at the ice cream counter like he was gonna get a cone, then he turned, doubled his pace to the first-aid aisle and picked up a box of those Hydro Seals all nonchalant-like,” said a chupacabra who was at the store looking for a bottle of Tapatio hot sauce. “He seemed to be transfixed with the text on the box that said something about the bandages containing some new technology that performs like no other so you can perform like no other. It’s true -- they’re pretty good Band-Aids. I’ve used ‘em before.” According to the clerk at the store, the mummy dropped a 20-dollar bill on the counter and didn’t even wait for his change. He cut out of the store with the box of Hydro Seals, hopped into his red 1987 IROC-Z, and tore up the sand on the way back to his tomb. Those who witnessed the incident said they’d never forget it.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Legendary zombie dies

SHADOW CITY -- World-famous zombie, Ivan Braynes, 122, has died . . . again. According to his publicist, the zombie that infected more individuals with the zombie plague than any other walker suffered a head shot last night while attacking a small group of victims holed up in a farmhouse off Hell’s Highway just outside city limits. Services for Braynes were held early this morning. His body was buried. Braynes will always be remembered for his rotting flesh and winning smile. He’ll return from the dead again this evening.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Gorgon pushed into Ghost Pond

BLACK LAGOON -- This evening, someone pushed a gorgon into the Ghost Pond, where living things go if they want to become spirits. Folks have been lining up for weeks at the edge of the towering cliff above, and diving into the pond below, whereupon impact, they instantly transform into apparitions. “I was happy as a terrifying woman with snakes in my hair and the curse to turn beings into stone,” said the gorgon. “I didn’t want to become a ghost. I just wanted to see what everyone was doing up there above that pond. It's a shame, because now no one will ever see me again.” Eyewitnesses said a skeleton pushed the gorgon off the cliff for laughs. The snake woman screamed in agony all the way down, unlike most others who hoot and howl for joy or go in with a triple somersault as one last hurrah before turning in their heartbeats for ghost sheets. A proud werewolf monitoring the lines on the cliff saw the scuffle and dove in after the gorgon to save her life. He realized his mistake just before hitting the mystical waters.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Brains reported missing

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Over 100 brains from the Brain Barn on Brain Street were reported missing this evening. Sources said zombies broke in and stole them. “I know they didn’t even use them to create life or to try to take over the world,” said mad scientist Bill T. Toolast. “Those selfish dumb-dumbs no doubt ate them for their own good. Minds are terrible things to waste.”

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Moat monster seriously affected by drought

WITCHES MEADOW -- A moat monster living in the moat of a Dark Woods castle is finally beginning to worry that his water source is drying up after seeing moat levels trending toward the unhealthier side of the spectrum. Other monsters don't believe in the drought the area is allegedly experiencing. The moat monster in the moat of the Dark Woods castle said he didn't either. Now half of him isn't even wet.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Twilight Zone signpost vandalized, hell to be paid


TWILIGHT ZONE -- That signpost up ahead, the one in the 1300 block of Twilight Zone Lane signifying your next stop that reads “Twilight Zone” -- it was spray-painted and busted down, causing $200 in damages. Vandals were seen traveling in a black sedan from one dimension to the other. Nothing more was reported. Any additional information should be shared with authorities so they can identify the suspects, lock them up and throw away the key of imagination. Then they’ll see what lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge, but there'll be more of the whole “man’s fears” thing going on, for sure.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Mad doctor ticked over hearse parked in front of his house

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- A mad doctor on Doom Drive has been raising Hell about a hearse parked in front of his house. It’s trash day and Dr. Youmest Withthawrongguy has no place to put his cans. “The thing’s been there all week,” Withthawrongguy said. “I don’t know who it belongs to, but I’ve got eight cans full of a failed operation I scrapped over the weekend that I have to put out along the curb, and there’s no room.” The vehicle showed up Saturday night, and by Tuesday, Withthawrongguy reported it to his homeowners association. Nothing was done. Last night the doc called the city to have the  mortuary transport vehicle towed. Still nothing, just spider web slowly building up on the wheels. Going into it, Withthawrongguy understood the consequences of his actions, his wife begged him not to do it and his neighbors tried to hold him back, even fired shots at him to stop. But he went ahead and did it anyway. He wrote a strongly worded letter and stuck it on the windshield. What’s done is done.

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

King Kong trolls Godzilla on social media, Twitter war erupts

MONSTER ISLANDS -- While Transylveinya officials understand that the use of social media by monster titans, including during epic battles, is an important part of the monster universe, the inappropriate use of social media can damage the reputation of Transylveinya as a whole. Those were the sentiments of President Count Dracula in a strongly worded memo to the monster world, which he issued tonight following recent tweets between King Kong and Godzilla. It began with Kong going to social media with his thoughts on the Geico gecko facing off in battles against other leaf-sized reptiles. The giant gorilla’s tweets were clear attacks on Godzilla, in reference to his upcoming movie, “Godzilla: King of the Monsters.” Godzilla responded with a nasty tweet, issuing threats to one “chimpanzee” using numerous expletives, causing some monsters to feel a line had been crossed between cool and not cool. Drac said he feels these “Twitter wars” between monsters can cause reputational damage, and he’s considering disciplinary actions if it keeps up.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Monday, August 27, 2018

Letters from the Lab: Werewolf pet project gonna have to wait

By The Mad Scientist
Columnist

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- I got back to the lab yesterday, tired.

Some mad scientists get to spend their entire days trying to take over the world. I work a day job.

It all started a few weeks ago, when the wife and I were going through our finances and we noticed, as of late, that we’d been spending far too much money on robot armies, magnifying rays and, of course, more books -- every lab needs an unhealthy supply of books.

So I decided to get a job over at Evil-more Shopping Mart down on Doom Drive. Yesterday, it was one of those coupon days at the store and the place was packed with mad men and women coming in for price adjustments on brains, body parts, corpses . . . You mame it. Needless to say, I had my share of exposure to imbeciles for a while, even though I’m due back at the place five days of the week, every week for the time being.

Anyway, I got home from work, and the wife called and asked to pick up the kid from mad scientist school and take him to grave-robbing practice. Then she told me she was running late due to traffic on the moving sidewalk, and she wanted to know if I could make dinner, too.

I heated up some leftover chemical creations I’d scienced up over the weekend, and by the time I’d picked up the kid, the wife got home and we’d all had dinner, I was too tired to tinker with my little pet project in the basement. The guy I had tied up down there turned into a werewolf -- because it was a full moon last night -- and even though I had him hooked up to the machines and everything, I just didn’t feel like going through the whole process of transferring his lycanthrope energy over to the man-made monster I’ve been working on here and there for the past six months.

I ended up staying upstairs in my favorite chair in my study, falling asleep listening to episode after episode of this serialized murder-mystery podcast I recently discovered.

Tonight, there’s another full moon out. But it was also another coupon day at the store, another day of price adjustments and imbeciles, another night of picking up the kid, dropping off the kid and making dinner, and another night that that werewolf in my basement is gonna go through his transformation hooked up to all those machines again, and my man-made monster project’s gonna have to wait yet again, probably till the next full moon. I’ve just gotta say that this podcast I’m listening to is really gettin’ good!

Friday, August 24, 2018

Werewolf walker for hire

FOR HIRE -- Born and raised in Transylveinya Hills, now a student learning to haunt at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Sources claim headless horseman lost his head

SLEEPY HOLLOW -- Last night, an anonymous headless horseman allegedly jumped into his convertible roadster, zipped down through the Hollow to the city to grab a pizza, some beers and a tub of ice cream, then he raced back to his nook in the deep woods, settled down in his La-Z-Boy with his dinner and black cherry swirl, and binge-watched “Parks and Rec” well into the morning. Sources claim the unknown rider didn’t even unhitch Billie Jean, his noble steed, or attach his pumpkin head all night. Those with any further information should report it to the National Society for Better Headless Horsemen at ReportBadRiders.mon.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Keep your big bug eyes open for The Junkyard

By Laye D. Bug
Staff Swarm Writer

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- For those of you giant killer insects out there looking for a big bite to eat, buzz on over to an eatery on Insect Centre Drive called The Junkyard, which offers up everything from tasty motorcycles and vans that have barely been stripped of their parts to mouthwatering sedans and trucks that are only recently no longer in operation.

The place is still somewhat new, but it’s already gaining a reputation as the best bite in town for ginormous bugs looking for a hearty breakfast, lunch or dinner.

“I have a huge appetite for Volkswagen Beetles,” said an enormous beetle who lives in town. “My wife never serves the stuff. She thinks it’s cannibalistic since we share the same name, but, you know, it’s totally different. That’s fine, though, because The Junkyard has the best Beetles I’ve ever tasted, most of them with less than 100,000 miles on them, so I’ll just keep going there when my appetite’s on the loose.”

The Junkyard also delivers its wrecks. They have a fleet of car carriers that can transport up to 10 vehicles at a time to your hive or nest, perfect for those of you lazy bugs with even the largest of appetites.

Here are a few regular items on the menu:

Breakfast
Crashed-Up Hondas with Pasta
Freshly Beat Toyotas
Smoked Volvos

Lunch
Engine-Fried Fords
Chevy Slammedwiches
Boneyardless Infinitys

Dinner
Braised BMWs
Mashed-Up Merecedes
Maseratis al Dented

Dessert
Mazda Cremed Pie
Mini Coopers á la mode

To see The Junkyard’s fresh catches from Hell’s Highway every day, check the Travel Tragedies section of the newspaper for newly crashed vehicles to come.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Drac turns a negative into some Rh-positive

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- Count Dracula can live forever, hypnotize his victims, change into a vampire bat, appear in the form of green mist or vanish at will. But around 11 p.m. last night, he struggled to put together a simple set of IKEA nesting tables for his new sitting room in the castle. After a slight mishap with a box cutter while opening the box, slicing open his upper right thigh, then somehow losing half the hardware for the tables, bending two of the legs and cracking one of the tempered glass tops, causing the loss of almost all the blood he’d consumed earlier in the evening, Drac ended up in the ER with 32 stiches and an I.V. While he was there, he wandered off in search of the bathroom, found the blood lab instead, and filled his tank with some fresh Rh-positive. The Count is now home and already planning a few more IKEA projects. He told reporters another trip to the ER wouldn’t be so bad, but actually quite refreshing.

Monday, August 20, 2018

LETTERS FROM THE LAB: All parents want their children to do well in school

By The Mad Scientist
Columnist

My son just started kindergarten today.
As a parent, I’m always worried about how my kid will do. Will he struggle to learn? Will he get along with others? Will he have discipline issues?
By lunchtime, I’d already received a call from the principal. She said my little mad man wasn’t listening, he wasn’t participating in class, and during recess, he’d already manipulated a group of about 20 students into joining in his evil 10-point plot to take over the entire school.
“He and this group of children had the whole campus on lockdown,” the principal told me over the phone.
I raced down to the school to meet with several staff members, including my boy’s teacher and the principal. They, too, were equally thrilled with the boy’s performance.
In other words, I worried about my kid for nothing.
So if you have a little bugger at home and you’re worried he or she is showing no signs of interest in taking over the world, give it some time. They’ll always shock you.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil always on his mind and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transylveinya.

Friday, August 17, 2018

Werewolf ticked with his doctor

WEREWOLFTOWN -- A  werewolf was more than fired up with his doctor after going through a mess of side effects from medications he’d prescribed. During a recent transformation, John T. Wolf, only 32, noticed his fur coat was thinning, and so he went to a big city doctor in Downtown Transylveinya to see what was wrong. Doctor Q. Wack, according to Wolf, gave him a prescription, and within a few days, he was fully covered in werewolf hair, face and all. However, Wolf noticed several side effects, including dizziness, blood in his urine and a severe lack of appetite, which is no good in his line of work. “I didn’t even crave my prey each night,” the werewolf said. “One night on the moors I ate a few berries off trees. Try explaining that to your friends when they’re downing some poor helpless fellow. I had to go back to that doctor and get something else.” But an alternative medication had side effects as well, including shakiness and unsteady walk, chest pain, anxiety and bladder trouble. After going through two more medications with other unique side effects, Wolf finally lashed out at Dr. Wack, cutting him short of his co-pay and taking a big bite out of the incompetent fool, giving him the werewolf’s curse and the additional curse of thinning hair. When Wolf tried to push all those medications back on his doc, the medical professional told him he wouldn’t take that stuff if his own doctor prescribed them to him. So if you see two balding werewolves out on the town, please, do them a favor and tell them there’s a new supplement called Essential Gold Standard Platinum Pro X2000 Trans4m (not a drug) that works even better than all that medication. The only side effects are possible changes in kidney and liver functions, cold sweats, crying and loss of teeth. But those wolves will have healthy manes. (You have to have issues if you read this whole story.)

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Little devil having tough time getting her horns

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- A little devil is having a rough night on Dreadford Falls Avenue, the flipside to the Bedford Falls community in the human world (made famous in the 1946 film “It’s a Wonderful Life”). Dreadford Falls folks are stuck in a real measly, crummy old town, and it’s up to all the guardian devils to earn their horns by convincing residents to throw their afterlives away. “Teacher says, every time a group mourns, a devil gets his horns,” said a pesky little kid named Georgina, who’s full of hope and no doubts. Her guardian devil, Clarissa, is having no luck getting her to feel discouraged. She’s got the night to change Georgina’s mind. Or maybe she’ll give up and finish that Mark Twain book she’s been reading. Who needs horns anyway when you’ve got a spikey tail and pitchfork?

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Michael Meyers vows to make it home this year

HUMAN WORLD -- Infamous Halloween slasher psycho Michael Myers, who's pushing 61 years old, is still fuming from last year when, following his annual escape from the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium, the car he stole from the facility broke down, he couldn’t get it going, and he failed to hitch a ride into Haddonfield, IL. So he walked and walked and, even though he’s been stabbed, shot, burned, hit by speeding vehicles, shot again, clubbed with 2x4s and water pipes, shoved out of windows, pummeled by a van tumbling down a hill, decapitated, karate kicked out a second-story window, hung and electrocuted, his feet were killing and he was dead tired. That's when he took a nap in an old barn halfway to his destination, only to fall asleep and wake up to discover he’d missed Oct. 31. “This year,” Myers said, “I’m gonna make deeaaaamn sure the vehicle I steal is in good working order. I’ll just have to slip away during Monday Movie Night at the sanitarium a few days before my getaway and perform a little tune up on one of those station wagons they got in the garage, then I’ll set all the loons loose like I normally do the night before, grab the car, my Bill Shatner mask, and I’m on my way home.” Aside from being quite the surgeon with a butcher knife, Myers is also a known gearhead.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Mummies proud of all-mummy-run eatery

VALLEY OF DOOM -- Mummies everywhere are thrilled about the all-new mummy-founded, mummy-managed and mummy-operated eatery in Tombtown. The new establishment, which has been slow to get a name, is intended to not only prove others wrong about a common misconception of mummies, but to show the world that mummies are, in fact, kings, with the King Tut working as the friggin’ sous chef, yo. “We’re tired of all those pompous vampires, cocky werewolves and swaggering dimwitted man-made monsters getting all the attention,” said Queen Wut, a mummy hostess from the restaurant with an axe to grind. “They think they’re so wonderful. But for your information, we mummies have the finest food, the greatest curses, the most elite minds and, of course, the greatest and crustiest bods.” According to several patrons, however, the service in the new establishment sucks. One individual said the food took three hours to burn, and by the time the wait staff lurked from the kitchen to the table 20 minutes later, all the mold had fallen off the cuisine. Misconception? Stupid mummies. There’s no misconception. By the time that last remark even registers in those mummies’ slow brains and they do that slow mummy creep-walk over to anyone who’s gonna do anything about it, discrimination will be back in fashion. Those slowpokes will need three years just to read all the words in this here story.

Monday, August 13, 2018

The Red Devil sees all

HELL -- During a game of hide-and-go-seek in the lava-spewing south caverns of the Fire Caves, a naughty little boy caught the Red Devil peeking before reaching the count of 3. “You're a cheater,” the boy shouted as he unintentionally gave up his hiding spot. And so, on this 13th day of August, let it be known as fact: The Red Devil is not to be trusted.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Pres. Drac officially changes spelling of monster world name

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- Those of you weirdoes out there who read this online rag on a regular basis and those who live in the monster world might’ve noticed a change in the way the name of the region has been spelled as of late. That’s because President Count Dracula changed it from “Transyl-vein-ia” to “Transylveinya,” and now it's official, despite the fact that the bloodsucker despises change. He hates when policies change, when seasons change, when night changes to day. He won’t even change his underwear. “I like regularity, patterns, the status quo and consistency,” Dracula said. “When things change, I get annoyed, inconvenienced and, let's face it, pretty heated. Unless, of course, I’m the one doing the changing. Then I’m fine with change." Drac changed the name last night. From this point on, it'll be spelled the way he likes it, even in the upcoming travel guide to the monster universe, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons...And Mad Scientists, Too." Look for that guide in October wherever books are sold.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

New production of ‘A Halloween Hymn’ coming to Young Fronkenshteen Theatre

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- The Young Fronkenshteen Theatre just announced its next play, a new production of “A Halloween Hymn” by Scarles Nickens (a real cut-up). The classic hymn in prose is a ghost story of Halloween, following the smiling, hugging, loving, caring, charitable old saint, Ebenezer Stooge, who, unlike the rest of the town awaiting Halloween, is more interested in the joyful arrival of Christmas, which, to him, is all a humdinger. “Humdinger!” he exclaims, until he encounters the ghost of his late business partner, who warns that three ghouls will visit him on the night before Halloween. The spirits take Stooge on a journey of All Hallow’s Eve past, present and future in the hope of transforming his joyfulness into good Halloween evil. “The scares will be there,” said the Ghost of Orson Welles, who directed the play. “But we had fun exploring the light side of monsterity. The Ghost of Lionel Barrymore plays Stooge, and he had a blast portraying good, noble and downright frolicsome and fun lovin’. We just hope nobody gets offended.” Hark how the bells, Sweet funeral bells, All seem to say, Give scares away...Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Halloween! “A Halloween Hymn” opens Sept. 1.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Grocery store discriminates against woman with emotional support beast

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- Supermarkets in town are cracking down on shoppers putting service beasts into carts. Last night, one area resident, Ann Darrow, attempted to put her emotional support critter into a basket and was denied the chance by an employee of the Deadly Weggly Supermarket. Then the store manager came out and told the customer that she wouldn’t be allowed in the store. “He told me my pet couldn’t even go through the front door,” Darrow said. “The Transylveinyans with Disabilities Act prevents business owners from asking about my disability or even requesting paperwork pertaining to my service beast status. But he (the store manager) asked and requested, as if I was lying about my situation. Their carts and front door couldn't even accomodate me and my animal. This is an outrage and discrimination.” According to the store manager, Darrow’s pet destroyed several baskets trying to get into one, and upon entry nearly took out the entire front of the building. “How else,” Darrow asked, “is someone gonna get emotional support if not with a giant, building-sized gorilla that can take down the most vicious T-Rex in a matter of minutes?” Darrow argued with the store manager for upwards of 20 minutes, and then she and King Kong left the shopping center and headed home without any groceries.