Tuesday, August 7, 2018

This Halloween will have one less monster to perform the 'monster carry'

WITCHES MEADOW -- A swamp monster heading into the human world for the Halloween season to scare people will not perform the “monster carry” of his victims, even though he’ll be paid as a carrier. According to a Transylveinya Workmonster’s Comp. representative, the slimy beast is to be on light duty the entire season. Other carriers in the carrier union are upset. “He’s done this same thing every year for the past six seasons,” said a member of the monsterhood. “He’s always claiming his back is hurt, saying he can’t carry his victims like the rest of us do, and then he gets assigned light duty, but he still gets paid the carrier rate. Come Christmastime, he’s back in his swamp, throwing his kids on his shoulders, moving furniture around and bowling. He’s working the system, and it’s pretty lowdown, even for a monster who lurks around in the muck.” In addition to the swamp monster not doing the monster carry this year, according to his restrictions paperwork, he won’t be jumping out of any shadowy spaces, chasing anyone or making any sudden moves at all. The scummy thing told reporters he’d be a set of glowing eyes in a bush somewhere in Middle America. That’s your tax dollars at work.

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